Ramblings on Carson Palmer

So let me first start off by saying that, even as a Steeler fan, I'm rooting for Carson Palmer to come back at full strength. It's not as much survivor guilt, as it is empathy. With the Bengals and the Los Angeles Clippers now making playoff appearances, my Pirates have taken up the mantle of Worst Fucking Team in Professional Sports (WFTIPS from now on). When Palmer went down during that divisional playoff game, it wasn't hard to personalize. I could only imagine what it would be like to have the Buccos finally make the post-season, only to have Jason Bay tear his rotator cuff in the first inning of the first game. Cincinnati, some things really aren't fair.

That said, I still think Mr. Palmer is a bit of a California pretty boy with a bitchy streak, and a weird pent-up hatred for my favorite team. Therefore, in the wake of his glorious return to action Monday night, I feel the need to point something out. According to the Elias Sports Bureau, three QBs threw for three touchdowns in an NFL pre-season game last year:

Donovan McNabb, Chris Simms and Bradlee Van Pelt. All I'm really saying is that if Bradlee Van Pelt can do it, how hard can it be?

Well, that and preseason games mean nothing, the Packers suck, and the Steelers still would have won that playoff game even if Carson Palmer's knee wasn't shredded like an Enron filing cabinet.

Can you tell I'm bitter his comeback happened two days after my fantasy draft?

God Bless YouTube, Week 5

Right Now.

The theme for this week's post is innovation. Since I just figured out how to post virals directly into the blog, I thought I'd honor the occasion with a commercial for one of the greatest innovations of my lifetime. For those of you that disagree, I offer up my friend Greg's 10th birthday party. When listing the reasons why his party was going to kick ass, Greg said "we've got Crystal Clear Pepsi, four video games from Blockbuster and pizza." And when you're ten years old, anything that ranks ahead of not only four video games from Blockbuster but also pizza, clearly represents an innovation.

If you're still not convinced, well, you didn't send me a video this week, so screw you. Your opinion doen't count.

Has He Tried Match.com?

So during the off-season last year, a guy from Brentwood named Brian Jackson impersonated Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger in order to meet women. Apparently, a few of them bought the ruse for an extended period of time, because I remember some very pissed off ladies when his scam was revealed. What I find remarkable is that there were actually people in Pittsburgh who, in 2005, had no idea what Ben Roethlisberger looked like. No wonder these women were single.

Well, despite undergoing pscyhological counseling, Mr. Jackson is at again. This time though, he wisely chose a lesser-known Steeler to impersonate, posing as perennial back-up tight end Jerame Tuman. This time, the guy even got into what sounds like a pretty serious relationship with the woman. His "girlfriend" even agreed to loan him gobs of money on repeated occasions, proving just how far being a professional football player can carry you romantically in this town.

On that note, if we're ever out at a bar together, my name is Sean Morey.

Smackdown!

As reader of this blog know, I am a painfully loyal Pittsburgh Pirates fan. Not to revisit old wounds, but the Bucs haven't had a winning record since 1993. During the past thirteen-and-a-half seasons, there have been many, many times when I had an overhelming desire to punch a Pirates starting pitcher in the face. However, unlike Toronto Blue Jays manager John Gibbons, I wasn't A) Coaching the team and B) Actually going to follow through on my urge.

The event I'm referring to took place in the bottom of the third inning of Monday night's game between the Jays and the Oakland A's. During the frame, Toronto starter Ted Lilly allowed Oakland to score seven runs, cutting what had been an 8-0 Blue Jays lead to just a single run.

Not surprisingly, Gibbons decided to summon a reliever from the bullpen. However, when he went out to get the ball from Lilly, Gibbons couldn't refrain from chewing out his starter. Lilly, in turn screamed back at Gibbons, even refusing to give him the ball (this despite the fact that he had just given up seven runs). Lilly finally relented, but the player and coach continued to shout at each other in the dugout. Eventually, the argument moved to the locker room runway, where, from all reports, Gibbons initiated a physical confrontation.

As an aside, the video (I'll keep checking YouTube for it) of the fistfight is pretty funny. You can't see either Gibbons or Lilly, but there is a great angle of all the players on the bench rushing inside to see what's going on. It's kind of like when there was a controversial play in the elementary school kickball game, and all of a sudden it got physical. Someone would yell "fight!" and before you knew it, the whole third grade was scurrying across the playground to get a better look.

What's even better is that this isn't an isolated event for Gibbons. Last month, then Blue Jays third basemen Shea Hillenbrand claimed his manager challenged him to fight, even asking the infielder to punch him in the face. Although in Gibbons' defense, Hillenbrand had just gone off on a crazy tirade against the organization because it failed to congratulate him for the adoption of a new baby. Seriously, I couldn't make this stuff up.

Gibbons still has a long way to go though, to be considered the craziest Blue Jays manager of all-time. Right now, that title belongs to former skipper Tim Johnson, who used to fire up his team with battle stories from his days as a Marine in the Vietnam War. Shortly before the 1999 season, it was revealed that Johnson spent the entire conflict in the United States, never seeing a day of combat. The team offered him a chance to resign. He refused and was promptly fired. Maybe it's something in the water up there.

James Frey Has a Big Problem

I don't blame you if you've never heard of James Frey. I'm kind of ashamed that I have, actually. For the fortunately unaware, Frey is the author of A Million Little Pieces, a supposed biography chronicling the writer's struggles with alcohol and drug addiction. In September of 2005, Oprah Winfrey selected the memoir for her book club, causing sales to skyrocket. Unfortunately for Frey, The Smoking Gun released a report this January, claiming that he fabricated many parts of his supposedly true story.

Initially, Frey vehemently denied the charges. However, later that month he appeared on Oprah, where, after being bitch-slapped by the host, he confessed to making up parts of his story. Part of Frey's justification: the heightened drama from the fictional passages was the only way any publisher would take a chance on the book. He also said some pretty weird stuff about how the same "demons" that drove him to drugs and alcohol had caused him to lie.

Why is this important? Well, Deadspin is doing an NFL preview feature where one literary fan of each team tells the world "Why My NFL Team is Better than Your NFL Team." The choice to write the article on the Cleveland Browns? You guessed, James Frey.

The piece is fairly well written, albeit about pretty standard Cleveland fan stuff (lots of moaning about having never seen a championship). However, at the end of the first paragraph, Frey drops this doozy on the reader:

"Before they left for Baltimore in 1995 (Fuck you Art Modell), they had been rebuilding for several years. In typical Cleveland fashion, that team won the Super Bowl ... as the Ravens two years after they left."

Seems like a pretty logical complaint for a Browns fan, right? Except, the Baltimore Ravens didn't win the Super Bowl in 1997. The Denver Broncos did. The Ravens didn't even win the Super Bowl in 1998. The Denver Broncos did, again. In fact, the Ravens didn't win a championship until the 2000-01 season, their fifth year in Baltimore. Hmmm. Exaggerating a point to add drama. Still can't shake those "demons," can you Jimmy?

God Bless YouTube, Week 4

We owe a very big thanks to Matt Karasic this week, for sending us what can only be described as a cutting edge and potentially headline-making video. Given the media circus surrounding Zinedine Zidane's headbutt of Marco Mazeratti in the World Cup final, we find it remarkable that this underground footage of a French national soccer team training drill didn't get more coverage. Someone call FIFA.

Chris Sheridan Could Only Think of 8 Reasons

Once upon a time, it was free to surf the internet. Well, you still had to buy a modem and pay a service provider, but most sites, at least those without naked people were didn't cost any extra money.

With the number of people who have access to the internet increasing, more and more domains are beginning to charge users for content on their site. One of the worst offenders, unfortunately for me, is ESPN.com. It used to be the worldwide leader would only offer the occasional feature like "Mel Kiper's Big Mock Draft Board" and "Rob Neyer's 50 Greatest Post-Season Pitching Performances" to insiders. However, these days you can't read certain columnists or any archived stories unless you shell out the $39.95 per year it takes to be an ESPN Insider. Admittedly, it's not that pricy, except that the bill always seems to expire right after I've done something like just forked out first and last month's rent and a security deposit.

That said, I have to wonder sometimes why ESPN considers certain articles premium content. Take Chris Sheridan's most recent column, for example (sorry, only ESPN Insiders can follow the link). In it, Sheridan offers ten reasons why the United States, despite a strong exhibition showing, is not going to win the World Basketball Championships later this month. Except, Sheridan could really only think of 8 reasons. So instead of just going with a potentially awkward number in his story, Sheridan chooses to proffer these as legitimate reasons why Team USA will come up short:

"8. The food factor. If you don't like Japanese food, you can subsist over here on American fast food. But try eating that stuff for three weeks, and watch your energy level plummet in inverse proportion to your climbing cholesterol count.

9. The smell factor. This is a little disgusting, but it's true: Some of these teams stink, literally. Players on international teams travel to and from the arenas in their uniforms, and many players forsake showers as a result. I got a really close look at Argentina during the Worlds in Indianapolis, and I do not believe Fabricio Oberto, Luis Scola or Andres Nocioni bathed during the entire tournament. BO may be repulsive, but it also keeps defenders a few extra inches away."

That, is cutting edge analysis.

Also, this is just one in a series of articles by Sheridan about USA Basketball's shortcomings. The guy is essentially staking his reputation on the Americans losing in Japan. If the Stars and Stripes have a lead late in the gold medal game, I fully expect Sheridan to pop out of the stands and start mowing down players like Damon Wayans in The Last Boy Scout.

Povertyneck Hillbillies Update

The aformentioned Ben Roethlisberger-in-a-yinzer-country-music-video has been released, and is available here.

Be careful though. I just tried to click on the link, and got this message:

Bandwidth Limit Exceeded

The server is temporarily unable to service your request due to the site owner reaching his/her bandwidth limit. Please try again later.

---

Apache/1.3.36 Server at www.rustrecords.com Port 80

Pittsburgh: a mecca of highbrow culture.

Evgeni Malkin is Probably Crazy (But in a Good Way)

About the only thing anyone can agree on about Evgeni Malkin these days, is that the Pengiuns prospect is the best hockey player not currently in the NHL. Emphasis on the word currently. Since the end of the regular season, the Pens have been furiously trying to sign the second-overall pick in the 2004 entry draft to a professional contract. I don't think there's enough room on Blogger's server for me to detail all the twists and turns the process has taken, but let's just say it involves: handshake deals, broken contracts, Malkin's Russian League team Metallurg Magnitogorsk, (which surprisingly is not lifted from a Roger Moore thriller), possible Mafia influences, about 800 quotes in the American news media that you can't read without hearing a goofy Eastern European accent, and Malkin finally fleeing his homeland like the Golem in Michael Chabon's The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Klay.

Yet, perhaps the most bizarre, and wonderful aspect, of this story is that Malkin recently opened a restaurant in his home country themed after the comforts of a Russian jail. I'm no dining critic, but the attention to detail sounds phenomenal:

"Barred windows and ceiling, lamps designed as police flashlights, barbed wire and excerpts from the Russian Penal Code are significant parts of the interior design...You can have a seat on a plank-bed (there are comfortable chairs for the more delicate) and eat your food with an aluminum fork."

It's been a while since we've had an insane superstar in Pittsburgh (oh Jaromir), and I for one think the town is ready. Sure, Big Ben does some stupid stuff, but it falls more into the category of shitfaced-yinzer-fratboy, ie, stuff you see any weekend night on Carson Street. A jail themed restaurant? That's the brilliant kind of crazy. I only hope Malkin's on-ice wizardy matches his off-ice entrepreneurial skills. Man, the kid can't get here soon enough.

God Bless YouTube, Week 3

Slightly delayed post this week, but the new apartment wasn't rigged up for cable until late this Saturday. I hope all six of you that actually follow this thing will forgive me.

With props to Jessica Cicchino, the first person to email a video suggestion to northoforbes@gmail.com, the theme of this week's edition is the local news. Growing up, I used to think the heavy-handedness and amateurish tint of the nightly news broadcasts were unique to my hometown market. However, as these videos indicate the above characteristics were in no way unique to the 'Burgh.

The first video, ostensibly, is seeking to unveil the dangers of leaving your bicycle unattended, read: how easy it is to pick a bike lock. First of all, what a cutting edge idea for a story. I'd love to know what other investigative reports were left on the floor when they decided to pursue this angle. I'm curious to know if the woman who spazzes out is upset because she thinks this report is actually of vital importance to the public, or if she's just so depressed that this is the direction her career's gone, that she ends up flipping her lid. If the latter is the case, I just picture her screaming at her producer later on, "I went to NORTHWESTERN! I don't have to take this! I'm a real journalist! I'm a real journalist!"

Since were on the subject of local news, I've been looking for an excuse to post this video from Deadspin for a couple weeks now. I have three comments on the clip: Carl Monday is a supreme fucktard, I'm thinking of going as Mike Cooper for halloween, and the father may be the most sympathetic person ever captured on video. There's also a follow-up report that can be found here.

Michael Kay is an Ass-Clown

Going to college in the New York area, I was subjected to watching my fair share of baseball games on the YES Network (an entire channel owned by and devoted strictly to the New York Yankees). Perhaps the worst part of watching a game on YES was the stable of broadcasters, who always managed to display not only blatant homerism, but also disdain and disgust at even the slightest thing un-Yankee. The worst offender by far was Michael Kay, who's emphatic home-run call of "SeeYA!" made me want to go lie down in traffic on the BQE every time.

Anyway, the folks at FireJoeMorgan uncovered this delicious little soundbyte from the Michael Kay Radio Show. In one three-minute span, the host manages to piss-off both Jews and African-Americans, all in the name of defending his decision to point-out on the air that Chien-Ming Wang had a perfect game in the sixth-inning. Wang lost the perfect game shortly thereafter, leading a bunch of irate Yankee fans like Jimmy from Queens (whom Kay can be heard berating at the beginning of the clip) to call in and complain that Kay jinxed Wang. Personally, I think the soundbyte is the perfect auditory example of a grown man "getting his panties in a bunch." And yes, I am suggesting that Michael Kay may in fact wear women's underwear.

It gets even better though. The show's official website displays a survey where Kay among other things claims "he doesn't root for any teams" and that "the Olympics are everything that's wrong with the world today." However, my favorite section is Kay's top-5 wishes, where he ranks "Jennifer Anniston" and "incredible wealth" above "health for my family." What a guy.

God Bless YouTube, Week 2

I have a thing for Defcon 4 sports meltdowns. While this week's clip from the 1988 Wales Conference Finals doesn't possess the oultandishness of Bobby Knight, or the absurdity of the minor league manager from a couple weeks ago, I'm linking it for a few reasons. First of all, it's newsreel footage from almost 20 years ago, which gives the whole scene a Zapruder-like, important-piece-of-history aura. Secondly, the berated referee is Don Koharski, an ass-clown with a noted dislike for Mario Lemieux (which, if I'm not mistaken, breaks the 11th commandment). Finally, Devils coach Jim Schoenfeld is so damn Canadian it hurts. There's the accent of course, but also, how about the fact that his final barb tossed at Koharski is "You fat Pig! Have another doughnut!" Ouch Jim, ouch.

New Feature: God Bless YouTube

From now on, every Friday afternoon, I'm posting my personal favorite YouTube clip. I'm open to suggestions, so if you have one to share send it along to northoforbes@gmail.com. It Doesn't have to be new or even that rare, just something you think I'd wanna watch. Cliched idea. Perhaps, but it's my blog so don't click the link if the idea bores you.

Props to Phil for pointing this week's clip out to me.

Also, two things to chew on:

Did anyone suspect in the fall of 1999, upon the release of the "Drive me Crazy" music video, that this co-stars career would ever surpass this one's? What's even more funny is that it took me almost 10 minutes to decide which picture depicting Britney as a complete mess to use in the previous link. One link, so many choices.

In addition, I was in traffic last night behind an SUV with the license plate "DMB LVR." Yes, I know, I was a big DMB fan at one point in my life, but that was oh, I don't know, 1999. It's moments like that that make me wish I'd put down the extra $35 for a camera phone.

The Smize

I realize I could probably write a bi-weekly post criticizing the work of Pittsburgh Post-Gazette Sports Columnist Bob Smizik. As one former colleague of his said, Smize is excellent at "taking passionate positions on issues he doesn't really care about." Actually though, his most recent offense doesn't exactly take on the overtly negative, glass-is-half-empty, lecturing tone that most of his writing exudes. That said, it's still pretty close. In today's paper, Smizik has a column where he devotes 1/3 of his space to re-hashing all the close calls that went the Steelers way in Super Bowl XL. Smize then goes on to make the brilliant point, that, shockingly, had one of these decisions been reversed, the Steelers might not have won the game! The Super Bowl happened more than six months ago, and the game's officiating was one of the bigger stories of the NFL off-season. I just find it insanely lazy and flat-out stupid to write a column that includes paragraph long descriptions of each of the questionable plays. Adding to the irony is the fact that in the sports section of the Post-Gazette's online edition is a poll asking readers how many times they are going to Latrobe to watch Steelers training camp. The options: A) 1-2 B) 3-5 C) More than 5. "Not at all" isn't even an option. Do these sound like the kind of readers that need any second of the Super Bowl re-hashed?

I wonder if Spike Jonze is Directing

I know this is sort of aping a post from another blog, but Deadpsin's take on the Povertyneck Hillbillies/Ben Roethlisberger music video is worth a look. Perhaps it's more a reflection on me that, after living in Pittsburgh full-time for over a year now, I don't bat an eye when I hear the words "local band" and "Povertyneck Hillbillies" in the same sentence. Upon reflection, I'm not so much horrified at the band's name, but rather, more confused as to what it actually means. I think they just kind of picked three words with the connotations "blue-collar" "cowboy hats" "good Americans" and "cheap beer" and decided to toss them together to form some sort of name that relies more on word association than actual syntax. The Deadspin post also points out the juicy detail that the Povertyneck Hillbillies are the official band of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Wow. We're talking about the Super Bowl Champions and one of the more popular teams in the world here. What a reflection on the local music scene. Somewhere, Manny Theiner is reading that and wondering where all his dreams went wrong. (Free cookie to the first person who gets that reference). I also find the comments section tremendous, particularly the exchange between the former Pitt student, and the guy who thinks he went to college in Oakland, Cali.

Snow in July

Bringing back the blog from the land of the dead.

First of all, this story out of Long Island yesterday is unbelievable. The Islanders fired General Manager Neil Smith, architect of the 1994 Stanley Cup Champion New York Rangers, and replaced him with former back-up goaltender Garth Snow. Now, current Carolina Hurricanes GM Jim Rutherford is a former back-up goaltender too. It's just, he played almost 30 years ago, retired in the 80s and spent the last two decades working his way up the hockey ladder. Garth Snow on the other hand, was a back-up goalie LAST SEASON. And a crappy one at that. The brains behind all of this is Islanders owner Charles Wang, whose justification for the whole situation can (and trust me, should) be heard here. While Isle's fans are no doubt pulling their hair out this morning and calling Wang a mad man, I choose to think of him as a pioneer. From now on, if a franchise goes more than a decade without winning a playoff series, it should become a sports-wide by-law that the team's worst player becomes General Manager. Can you say Humberto Cota Pirates fans?

Important Stats for the Calder Voting

Sidney Crosby:
Goals: 39
Assists: 63
Sweet Gatorade Commercials: 1

Alexander Ovechkin:
Goals: 52
Assists: 54
Sweet Gatorade Commercials: 0

The choice is obvious.

Pet Peeve of the Day

People who offer insanely one-sided trades in fantasy leagues. I clicked on my Yahoo fantasy baseball roster this morning, to find that I'd been offered a trade by a team named "K-Dro." First bad sign right there. I'm assuming the kids a Mets fan and the "Dro" part refers to Perdo Martinez. Anyone who thinks that the first initial, combined with part of last name is somehow, relevant, witty or clever needs to be shot. Twice. In the head. What is this, 2001?

Anyway, the trade he offered was Jeff Kent, Brad Penny and Chris Reitsma to me for Vladimir Guerrero and Rich Harden. Wow. For those of you that don't know, Corky from Life Goes On wouldn't make that trade. "I'll give you two mediocre pitchers, and an over-the-hill "slugger" who just got got a concussion from being hit in the head on Sunday. You can give me arguably the best young pitcher in the AL, and Peter Gammons's pick to win the Cy Young. Oh, and you can also give me one of the top five fantasy hitters as a throw-in."

I'm sure this guy actually knows something about baseball, so more than likely he was trying to hose me out of my best players. How is that fair? You had a shitty draft, and now you're trying to compensate for it by screwing the rest of the league? Seriously, what does that accomplish. If you win the league this way, do you plan on bragging to your friends?

I've been in too many leagues where one guy makes a ton of ridiculous trades with people in the league who don't really care, then watches in mock amazement as his team shoots to the top of the league. Garbage.

Apologies to all of New England...

But this might be the greatest thing I've ever seen.

Notes from the Underground

Mark it down. On April 4, 2006 at 10:26 pm Brewers scrub pinch-hitter Gabe Gross hit a 420 foot home-run off of Ryan Vogelsong to put Milwaukee ahead 6-2. That is now the exact time at which I officially became jaded about the Pirates 2006 season. To clarify further, that's during the bottom of the sixth inning of the second game of the season. For those of you that aren't into baseball, it's a 162 game schedule and usually it takes longer than 36 hours into a season for you to start dreading the impending. That's not the case for Pirates fans.

You see, the Pirates have had a losing record every year since 1992. That's not a typo. I'll write it again just to clarify. 1992. I'll even put it in italics 1992. And just in case you were wondering what it feels like to root for a team on the verge of setting a record for baseball futility, here are a couple anecdotes...

Last month Zavo and I went out to a local bar. Seated at the table next to us were a man and a woman, who appeared to be on some sort of awkward date. The guy, well-groomed and in his late twenties, sat far back in his chair and avoided eye contact the entire time. Save for an occasional nod or grunt, he was totally silent. Cautiously munching chicken wings, he kept looking around the room as though he were scared someone he knew might walk in and see him. Considering his company, I could sympathize.

The woman (who I'll refer to as Alice Yinzer or A. Yinzer for short) was squat and rotund, and shaped like the windmill at a miniature golf course. She doused herself in metallic blue eye shadow chain smoke Camel cigarettes and struck me as the kind of woman that would throw Brett Michaels her panties at a Poison reunion concert. And that voice. If the rest of the bar was a 6, A. Yinzer was at an 11, screeching on and on about her "grandmum who used to compete in beauty pageants dahn in blawnox" her love of "hambarghers with spicy brahn mustard" and then, out of nowhere, her job "as vice president of communications for the Pittsburgh Pirates."

Let's just say I choked on my New Castle when I heard that one. My favorite sports team in the world employed this woman??? In a high-ranking capacity??? Holy shit this was huge. Suddenly, 14 straight losing seasons all made sense. If A. Yinzer could hold a position with a major league baseball team, well then, should at come as any surprise that the team hasn't had a winning record since 1992.

Incredulous about this revelation, Zavo and I to come up with the below list of things that have happened since the last time the Pirates finished above .500 It's pretty sad, really:

1) The Diamondbacks (who have won a World Series), Devil Rays, Rockies and Marlins (who have won 2 World Series')
2) The Clinton Administration
3) Peace in Ireland
4) Zavo's sister, who's in fifth grade
5) The Czech Republic
6) Brett Favre's first season with the Packers
7) The Atkins Diet
8) DVDs
9) Must See TV (including the entire run of Friends)
10)Grunge
11)The internet

There are more, like the birth of about half of the NHL franchises, but I think you get the idea.

In terms of actual baseball, nothing exemplifies the putrid play of the Pirates quite like their record in home openers. From age 7 in 1990 until 2001 when I graduated from high school, my dad and I loyally attended every home opener. During this time period, the Pirates went 2-10 including losing their last eight in a row. With the help of baseball-reference.com, here are the scores from these 12 years along with my personal memories of the game.

April 13, 1990. Cubs 2, Pirates 0: I have virtually no memory of this game. This was the season I became a baseball fan, but I wasn't quite there yet. However, this WAS the game where the college kids behind us were getting pelted with debris from fans in the above deck and I overheard one of them mutter "I'm getting hit with shit. Let's go up and beat the shit out of them." Clearly when you're in first grade, hearing two curse words in one sentence, is way more memorable than ANY baseball game. FINAL RECORD: 95-67, Lost in NLCS.

April 8, 1991: Expos 7, Pirates 0: There was a big celebration of last year's division title run to open the game, then the team went out and geot pulverized by the Expos. Cold and wet night, memorable only because dad and I missed the Pirates only hit of the game (a Barry Bonds single off of Dennis Martinez) as we were in the process of moving to closer seats as per my insistence. Sorry dad, I was 8. FINAL RECORD: 98-64, Lost in NLCS.

April 6, 1992: Pirates 2, Expos 0: Doug Drabek pitched a gem, and the Pirates finally scored some runs in the opener to scratch out the win. Although, maybe if Drabek hadn't gone a complete game in this one, he might have a little more juice for the ninth inning of game 7 of the NLCS. If you don't know what I'm talking about, and you like stories with no moral where the bad guy wins, go look it up. Not that I'm bitter or anything. FINAL RECORD: 96-66, Lost in NLCS.

April 6, 1993: Pirates 9, Padres 4. In the previous off-season, the Pirates let virtually every big name player on their roster walk away in free-agency. The three-time Eastern Division champions were planning to rebuild and return to glory quickly around three "stud" prospects: Kevin Young, Al Martin and Carlos Garcia. Who you ask? Exactly. Young homered in the win, teasing all fans with the promise of young power hitter. However, he ended up hitting just five more home runs that season and, as would become a running theme with Pirates top prospects, was cut by the team a few seasons later. In a fascinating turn of events, Young came back to the Pirates in 1997 as a non-roster invitee and made the team out of spring training. He then proceeded to develop into a decent hitter, averaging close to 25 HRs and 100 RBIs for the next two and a half years. To prove their economic viability, the Pirates rewarded him with a lavish 4 year $24 million contract, the richest in club history at that point. I think the day the contract was signed, Young's knees began to give out, and he instantly became a .230 10 HRs a year guy, who couldn't bend over to pick up a ball at first base. The kind of player who's big contract absolutely KILLS a small market franchise. What does this have to do with opening day you ask? Nothing really, but when a guy manages to kill the direction of a franchise twice in a decade, I think he deserves his own paragraph. FINAL RECORD: 75-87, 5th in NL East.

April 8, 1994: Rockies 7, Pirates 3: One of the saving graces of the Pirates 1993 season was that the National League added two expansion teams, the Rockies and Marlins, that helped to pad the Buccos win total. Unfortunately, the Rockies were a wealthy team that actually spent money on free agents, and by opening day 1994 had already passed the idling Pirates talent level. Looking at the rosters, that may not actually have been the case. But as an 11 year-old, that's how it felt on opening day. FINAL RECORD: 53-61, 3rd in NL Central.

April 26, 1995: Expos 6, Pirates 2: Wow. Now this one was memorable. I would venture Pirates fans were some of the most bitter people about the players strike that wiped out the end of the 1994 season and canceled the World Series. Not only did we miss out on half a season of baseball, but the work stoppage did absolutely nothing to improve the plight of small market fans. And to top it all off, our team stunk and was in danger of leaving Pittsburgh. All of these emotions came bubbling over when in the top of the fifth inning, the Pirates committed an unheard of three fielding errors on the same play. In some half-assed attempt to apologize or appease fans, ownership had given away Pirate "flags" to everyone in attendence. When the dust cleared on the fielding debacle, the entire crowd, as if possessed by a higher being, rose as one and proceeded to litter the diamond with the giveaways. It was a biblical proportions rain of Pirate flags. I think everyone's only regret was that it didn't lead to a Pirates forfeit. FINAL RECORD: 58-86, 5th in NL Central.

April 8, 1996: Phillies 6, Pirates 3: The first opener of the Kevin McClatchy ownership era. I remember my dad being overjoyed to find that they were now giving away pencils with the scorecards, as opposed to charging $1.00 for some the crappiest writing instruments known to man. Seriously, whatever Jefferson drafted the Declaration of Independence with was better than those pencils. This was also the debut of Charlie Hayes, the first in a long-line of middling, mediocre or over-the-hill free-agents the Pirates would sign over the next ten years. The pattern with these signings always goes something like this: Because it's the "small market" Pirates everyone gets super-excited and over inflates the value of said player. Said player plays OK (except for Derek ".125" Bell, although he got Cam Bonifay fired so he gets a pass in my book), but does very little to improve the team, and invariably is traded by July 31 for middling, mediocre or over-the-hill prospects. Anyway, I remember Hayes pulling and 0-for and fouling out to third to kill a late inning rally. Pretty typical ho-hum Pirates loss, somewhat notable for being Jim Leyland's last opener as Pirates manager. FINAL RECORD: 73-89, 5th in NL Central.

April 11, 1997: Dodgers 7, Pirates 1: Easily the best season during the 13 losing seasons, as a team that was a lock to lose 100 games remained in playoff contention until the final week of the season. Of course the Pirates still finished under .500 and got creamed in their home opener, perhaps moving the latter past taxes and just behind death on the list of certainties in life. FINAL RECORD: 79-83, 2nd in NL Central.

April 7, 1998: Braves 11, Pirates 3: One of the most ominous beginnings ever to a home schedule. Braves lead-off hitter Andruw Jones chopped a ball to new starting third baseman and "big-time" prospect Freddy Garcia. Garcia air mailed the throw to first and into about the second deck, for a two-base error. Rattled, the Pirates starter (Francisco Cordova?) walked the next hitter, then gave up an absolute bomb to Chipper Jones. Before the Pirates recorded an out, let alone came to bat it was 3-0 Braves. Jones hit another moonshot later in the game and Atlanta cruised to an easy win. FINAL RECORD: 69-93, 6th in NL Central.

April 5, 1999: Expos 9, Pirates 2: (I shit you not that what follows is not embellished in the slightest.) One of the most ominous beginnings ever to a home schedule. Expos lead-off hitter F.P. Santangelo (?) chopped a ball to new starting third baseman and "big-time" free-agent signee Ed Sprague. Sprague air mailed the throw to first and into about the second deck, for a two-base error. Rattled, the Pirates starter (Jason Schmidt?) walked the next hitter, then gave up an absolute bomb to Vladimir Guerrero. Before the Pirates recorded an out, let alone come to bat it was 3-0 Expos. Guerrero hit another moonshot later in the game and Montreal cruised to an easy win. FINAL RECORD: 78-83, 3rd in NL Central

April 4, 2000 Astros 5, Pirates 2: The season was scheduled to open the night before to a sell-out crowd. However, the game was rained out, and about a quarter of the people showed up the next night. The weather was so blistering cold, and the attendance so meek, at some point the Pirates decided to give away hot chocolate. I remember doing my best to maneuver the flimsy dixie cup of hot brown water, as my fingers twitched in the frigid air, sending some of the boiling liquid over the sides. Yet the frost bite and third degree burns weren't the most painful part of the evening.

Miraculously, the Pirates escaped the top of the first without giving up a run. Heading into the sixth, they were down only 1-0, and in danger of making it a game. However in that inning, starter Jason Schmidt single-handedly changed that possibility. Schmidt walked the bases loaded (a horrible thing to watch no matter what the circumstances, but absolutely interminable when the temperature's below freezing) then gave up a grand-slam to Richard Hidalgo. Seriously, the Hidalgo home-run may have been the most predictable thing to ever happen in a sporting event. Or at least since Vladimir Guererro's home run in the first inning the previous year. I'm proud to say that despite the weather we stayed until the last out. Notable because it was the last home opener at Three Rivers Stadium. FINAL RECORD: 69-93, 5th in NL Central.

April 9, 2001: Reds 8, Pirates 2: This was a game that honestly made you question whether or not there were some supernatural forces behind the Pirates futility. On the morning the team opened PNC Park, Willie Stargell, the Pirate's greatest living player, whom the team was unveiling a statue of that day, died of kidney failure. Even though reviews of the new ballpark were exceptional, the play on the field wasn't. Sean Casey picked up where Vladimir Guerrero left off and hit a two-run homer in the bottom of the first inning. The Pirates never really recovered, and made several errors late in the game helping the Reds blow it open.

Also, this was the quintessential "amateur afternoon" game as my father and I have come to dub openers. Given the number of non-baseball fans in attendance at these things, you often see some particularly ridiculous behavior. Given that this was the first game ever at PNC Park, the amateur factor was through the roof. Sure enough, midway through the game, a woman on the deck below us, leaned against the guard rail, turned AWAY from the field and began to chat with her friends seated at the table behind her. She was utterly oblivious to the fact that by STANDING during play, she completely blocked my view. Of course given the angles, it was only my view she blocked, so I couldn't even get a chorus of support for her to sit down. This was particularly frustrating given that she was either too far away, or too drunk to hear my cries for to "Sit down and watch the f---ing game." Fortunately, she eventually got bored and left the rail, but the cumulative effect of the afternoon nearly had me swearing off home openers for good. FINAL RECORD: 62-100, 6th in NL Central.

Well, I went to college in the fall of 2001, and haven't been home for a Pirates home opener since. The Bucs have actually improved their winning percentage, going 2-2 while I was away at school. This Monday, April, 10, they host the Los Angeles Dodgers in the first game of the season. And despite Ryan Vogelsong, A. Yinzer and 10 above anecdotes that lead me to believe I'm better off at home, I'll be there. Section 222, Row H, Seat 3. I figure I'm due to see a winner. Worst case, I'll have another story to add to the list.