God Bless YouTube, Week 14

Norbit

For a while now I've been hearing this rumor that once upon a time, no one was funnier than Eddie Murphy. He was the pinnacle of comedy and the height of cool all rolled into one, and strong legion of loyal adoring fans helped make him one of the highest paid entertainers in the world.

I imagine those fans remember Eddie Murphy’s prime like a marooned sailor remembers his home; it’s a distant memory that with every passing day feels more and more like a dream. I say this in light of the above preview for Murhpy’s new movie Norbit, which looks like a horrific clusterfuck between his character in Bowfinger and Martin Lawrence's in Big Momma’s House. I’m at a loss as to why this movie was ever made, although, I suppose it’s possible Eddie Murphy needs the paycheck to help out another poor, lost, helpless transvestite.

Monday Morning Juice

Yeah, I know we're a day late with this but blogger was crawling yesterday, and it took us forever to finish up the Roethlisberger piece. Anyway, it is with bitter disapointment that we report that official North O Forbes quarterback Juice Williams and the Illinois Fighting Illini dropped another heartbreaker this weekend, 30-24 at Wisconsin. In what remains a distrubing pattern, the Illini raced out to a 24-10 halftime lead on the 17th ranked and once beaten Badgers, before surrendering 20 unanswered points in a listless final two quarters. Juice was solid if not spectacular in defeat, going 13-of-29 passing for 171 yards, 1 TD and 1 INT, as well as rushing for 53 yards on 19 carries.

Since gaining official North O Forbes QB status, Williams and his teammates have gone 0-4, leading three of those games at the half, and losing the other on a last second field goal. If there's any time to break the streak it's next week, when Illinois hosts undefeated and #1 ranked Ohio State. If Juice and his boys pull this off we'll...we'll...well, we're not sure what we'll we do, but we'll definitely be very excited.

In Defense of Big Ben

Three damn yards. With no time on the clock yesterday, Ben Roethlisberger completed a hail Mary pass to Nate Washington that ended up three yards short of the endzone. Final score: Raiders 20, Steelers 13. Now, a team with pre-season Super Bowl aspirations just lost to a team whom many experts thought might go winless. Yet in a lot of ways, those three yards have exemplified the season for the now 2-5 and last place Pittsburgh Steelers.

I'm not savy enough to pin-point specifically what's ailing the team. If I did, I could probably charge the Steelers Duce Staley's salary for the information. Hell, they could pay me that amount to take some crappy Polaroid pictures of the team, and I'd be doing more for them than Duce. Anyway, I do want to speak on Ben Roethlisberger. Yesterday was, especially considering the opponent, Ben's worst performance as a Steeler. Unfortunately, most of his other games that would compete for that title have come this season. Still, I have a big problem with the national media saying that Bill Cowher should be starting Charlie Batch. Last night at halftime on NBC, Sterling Sharp implied that going with Batch was an absolute must. Amazingly, Peter King, probably the most prominent football writer in America seconded Sharp's opinion in his Monday Morning Quarterback column this morning.

I think Sterling Sharp's an idiot and King has slurped one too many of those fucking venti hazelnut lattes. First of all, as close as the Steelers are to being 5-2 as opposed to 2-5, they have virtually no chance to make the playoffs. Charlie Batch is a fine back-up, maybe even among the best in the league, but the Steelers long-term future hinges in the continued development of Ben Roethlisberger. I would much rather the Steelers lose one or two more games this season and get Ben back on track, than pad the win total with Batch behind center and have an uncertain QB situation heading into 2007.

Also, there's no guarantee that Charlie Batch will be THAT much better than Roethlisberger. Granted, I imagine Batch wins the game yesterday, but the national media is touting Chaz based on a very small sample size. In essentially six quarters of play, Batch has completed 24-of-39 passes for 5 TDs and 0 INTs. Impressive numbers to say the least. However, those stats have come against a 1-6 Miami Dolphins team, and an Atlanta Falcons defense that was so under-manned up front, it was routinely putting eight or nine guys in the box. In two quarters of that same game, Roethlisberger riddled the Atlanta secondary to the tune of 16-of-22 for 238 yards and 3 TDs, in what easily would have been a career day were it not for Chauncey Davis's helmet. In both of his appearances this season, opposing team's found out less than a week before the game that Batch would be getting the nod. As Tommy Maddox can attest, that doesn't necessarily guarantee success. Yet one would naturally assume that Batch's numbers might regress after teams game-plan specifically for him.

In his short career, the biggest concern I have with Big Ben is his alarming tendency to get hurt. However, that does give a nice amount of data to analyze how he plays when coming off of an injury. In two and a half seasons, Roethlisberger has been hurt approximately six times, missing six games in the process. The injury count factors in the two times (broken thumb, concussion) he did not miss a start, and counts the off-season motorcycle accident/appendectomy as one incident. Anyway, in here are the stat lines in Roethlisberger's first game after getting hurt

January 15, 2005: Steelers 20, Jets 17: 17-of-30, 180 yards, 1 TD 2 INT
October 27, 2005: Steelers 27, Bengals 13: 9-of-14, 93 yards, 2 TDs, 1 INT
November 28, 2005: Colts 26, Steelers 7: 17-of-33, 133 yards, 1 TD, 2 INT
December 4, 2005: Bengals 38, Steelers 31: 29-of-41, 386 yards, 3 TD, 3 INT
September 18, 2006: Jaguars 9, Steelers 0: 17-of-31, 141 yards, 0 TD, 2 INT
October 29, 2006: Raiders 20, Steelers 13: 25-of-37, 301 yards, 1 TD, 4 INT

The Steelers have gone 2-4 in these games, while Roethlisberger has thrown 9 TDs against 14 INTs, while averaging 205 yards on 19-of-31 passing. Throw out these games, and, including the playoffs, Roethlisberger has a 26-6 record and an impressive TD (41) to INT (25) ratio. Fudge this data a little more to take into account the first three games following the accident/appendectomy combo (by far his worst injury), and the numbers swell to 26-4 with 41 TDs and just 20 INTs. In other words, Ben tends to suck when coming off of an injury, which is a shame because he tends to get hurt a lot. That said, the frequency of his injuries may also skew the data a little bit. Undoubtedly, some of these bad performances had as much to do with facing a good defense as they did with rustiness or soreness.

(This is really the subject for another post, but...The same people calling for Batch are also the same people who call Roethlisberger nothing more than a good game manager who are the same people who go down on Bill Cowher for his record when leading at halftime. The biggest critique of Ben as game manager not game-breaker are his poor stats when he attempting over 25 passes. Although this is really a subject for another post, in many of his 28 wins as a starter, Roethlisberger has put up an electric first-half, giving the Steelers a sizable lead. Under Cowher's philosophy, he becomes little more than an assembly-line worker for the next 30 minutes, handing off the ball on every offensive play. While boring, this brand of football probably has something to do with the fact that Cowher has lost exactly two games during his career when leading at any time by more than ten points. Conservative? Probably. Effective? Absolutely. Evidence that Roethlisberger is a game manager, not a superstar? Absolutely not.)

The essence of all of this is that Roethlisberger has to be the starting QB when the Steelers take the field against the Broncos this Sunday. Even if he matches his performance against the Raiders, he needs to be the starter the week after as well. Although, and I'm not really sure why I think this, I suppose there is a chance he might get hurt.

Shaquille O'Neal Is No Chris Hansen

For all we know, Dateline NBC reporter Chris Hansen may be short, scrawny and a mess on the basketball court. However, there is at least one area where the brains behind the show's "Online Predators" segment has it all over perennial NBA All-Star and future hall-of-famer Shaquille O'Neal (besides free-throws that is).

O'Neal, who aspires to be a police officer after he retires, spends his off-seasons helping out in the Bedford (Virginia) County Police Department. Earlier this fall it seems, Shaq was part of a botched raid that intended to take out a child pornography ring. Although O'Neal has playfully denied the report, A.J. Nuckols, whose home was mistakenly ransacked by police, confirmed in a telephone interview that he heard the former MVP was in his home. In a published letter to the Chatham Star Tribune, Nuckols, a Gretna, VA native also wrote:

"[The raid] scared me and my family beyond description. I was held at gunpoint and the home was ransacked by a paramilitary search-and-seizure team. Men ran at me, dropped into shooting position, double-handed semiautomatic pistols pointed at me, and made me put my hands against my truck."

The sheriff's department denies Nuckols characterization of the incident, although they have not confirmed or discredit Shaq's presence. The department also blames the incident on an internet service provider, who gave them the wrong IP address of the suspected kiddy porn user.

When Phil Jackson left the Lakers in 2004, O'Neal said he was the only coach he wanted to play for. If Shaq is smart, there is only one coach he should want to help him get better at snuffing out child pornography rings.

God Bless YouTube, Week 13

Stan Live with Elton John

I tend to vehemently disagree with people who think we've changed as a culture since 9/11. Then, I watch this video from the February 2001 Grammy Awards and I'm not so sure.

Buccigrossisms

As I discussed earlier, we here at North O Forbes are big fans of ESPN's John Buccigross. He's a local guy, his weekly NHL column is a must-read, and he's one of the better SportsCenter anchors around. That said, calling the action on SC, he does have one slightly annoying tendency. Every once and a while, when an athlete makes a particularly outstanding play, Buccigross feels the need to compare him or her to a musician in a chic band. For example, let's say David Ortiz hits a walk-off homer. Buccigross might announce the highlight as something like this: "And just as James Mercer is to The Shins, so is David Ortiz to the Boston Red Sox." Yeah, it doesn't make much sense to me either.

However, I don't think the music and sports analogies are a completely lost cause. In fact, were Buccigross ever to appear on one of those SportsCentury features for ESPN Classic, here are ten comparisons he could effectively use:

In no particular order...

1) As Freddie Mercury is to Queen, so is Magic Johnson to the Los Angeles Lakers.

2) As David Crosby is to CSNY, so is Darryl Strawberry to the New York Mets.

3) As Screamin' Jay Hawkins is to Cow Fingers & Mosquito Pie , so is Shawn Kemp to the Seattle Supersonics .

4) As Duane Allman is to the Allman Brothers, so is Ben Roethlisberger to the Pittsburgh Steelers.

5) As Jerry Garcia is the Grateful Dead, so is Darryl Kile to the St. Louis Cardinals.

6) As Clay Aiken is to the American Idol Tour, so is Mike Piazza to the New York Mets.

7) As Curtis Mayfield is to The Impressions, so is Mike Utley to the Detroit Lions.

8) As Ronnie Van Zandt is to Lynyrd Skynyrd, so is Cory Lidle to the New York Yankees.

9) As Kurt Cobain is to Nirvana, so is Terrell Owens to the Dallas Cowboys.

10) As John Lennon is to the Beatles, so is Andres Escobar to the Colombian National Soccer Team.

Monday Morning Juice

As discussed yesterday, official North O Forbes QB Juice Williams and the Illinois Fighting Illini nearly pulled of the upset at Penn State Saturday, before eventually falling 26-12. Despite leading at halftime 9-3, and keeping his team within striking distance for most of the game, this was not one of Juice's better performances. Williams was 13-of-33 passing for 156 yards with no TDs and 2 costly INTs. Perhaps even more disheartening was the Juice's 5 yards rushing on 19 attempts. Regardless, he still led his offense to more points than his counterpart, Nittany Lions QB Anthony Morelli. All said, not terrible for a true freshman playing against a top defense on the road.

Things don't get any easier for the 2-6 Illini, as next Saturday they travel to Wisconsin for a noon game against the Badgers.

Some Weekend

Well, that pretty much sucked. To use the parlance of our region, Pitt football screwed the pooch in its biggest game of the year, losing at home to Rutgers Saturday night. Official North O Forbes quarterback Juice Williams and his Illinois Fighting Illini came this close to pulling against the Nursing Home of State College tackle football team (more on that tomorrow). Andy Van Slyke's quest to win a ring before Barry Bonds took an unexpected sidetrack. And then there's the Steelers. If I'm going to make good on my early season pledge and enjoy my dinner this evening, then I'm just not ready to talk about the Steelers.

Happy fucking Monday, everyone.

God Bless YouTube, Week 12

Ditka

Before you call this juvenile, just bear with me. I know it's tempting to ignore the beginning of this clip. After all, it's just some dude filming his television with a video camera. Pretty lame.

But I beg of you, listen closely to the guy's accent as he introduces the video. "Dis is Mike Ditka, faahrting," he says, sounding EXACTLY like George Wendt in the classic "Bill Swerski's Superfans" skit from SNL. Also, if you look closely, you can tell it's a Tivo'd ESPN NFL Live broadcast. The current date on the guy's digital cable is July 2, or almost 6 months after the end of the show's season.

All I'm really saying is thanks to YouTube we know there's a guy who lives in Chicago, talks with this accent, and has kept a clip of Mike Ditka's flatulence on his television's hard drive for more than half a year.

Okay, so maybe it's a little juvenile.

Well, That Was Incredibly Mediocre

There was one clear upside to the postponement of last night's NLCS Game 5: an extra 24 hours to process Sunday night's pitching performance of one Oliver Perez. Perez got the win in the Mets' 12-5 victory, but his overall line on the night was underwhelming at best. He pitched 5 and 2/3 innings, giving up five earned runs on nine hits while (three of them home runs), while striking out three and walking one. In total, Oli threw 92 pitches l (high for his inning count), with only 56 of them going for strikes. His ERA for the game was a horrific 7.94.

Not surprisingly, these results are right on par with Perez's regular season statistics. Having watched this incarnation of Oli pitch up close and personal for a season and a half, I would say there's a pretty consistent pattern to how he operates. Out of every four starts, one of them will be excellent (like when he went toe-to-toe with Johan Santana in June), one of them will be horrific (the aforementioned rain delay game against San Diego), and two of them will be middling (like the one Sunday night). The upshot of all of this? A 3-13 record and an ERA of 6.55.

The particularly amusing thing about Sunday's game was the praise showered on Perez by the national media (ie ESPN) after the game. Sports Center anchor Neil Everett called Oli's display "gutty, " while Baseball Tonight analyst Steve Phillips was enamored with the fact that Perez kept his team in the game, and pitched well enough to win. He even tossed out the adjective "great." To buttress his argument, Phillips cited New York's Steve Trachsel, who the evening before gave up five earned runs in just one inning pitched. The Mets lost that game 5-0.

Just to be clear, New York's offense scored 12 runs during the time Perez was in the game. Middle of the order hitters Carlos Beltran and Carlos Delgado went a combined five-for-seven with three home runs and seven RBIs. So what Steve Phillips is saying is that for a pitcher to be considered great, all he needs are two All-Stars hitters in his line-up performing at their peak level, and, to not to be Steve Trachsel. Tell me again, why exactly did the Mets fire him as their general manager?

Monday Morning Juice

Despite the finest efforts of official North O Forbes quarterback Juice Williams, the Illinois fighting Illini fell 20-17 to the University of Ohio Bobcats Saturday night. This marks the third consecutive Illini game that's come down to a last second field goal. Once again, you can't hang this loss on Juice as he completed 16 of 34 passes for 186 yards and two touchdowns, and also ran for 96 yards on 17 attempts. Next week, Williams and his teammates travel just four hours North O Forbes for a noon contest at Penn State.

Does anyone else want to be in the room when Joe Paterno finds out the first name of his opponent's starting QB?

Earning that Champagne Celebration

The New York Mets spent every day of the 2006 regular season in first place. They finished with a record of 97-65, tied for best in the league. They swept the Dodgers in the Division Series, and took Game 1 of the NLCS from St. Louis. However, the Cardinals have stormed back to take the last two games, including a 5-0 shutout yesterday evening. Facing a potentially devastating three games to one hole, and with their season essentially on the line, guess who the Mets are sending to the mound on Sunday night? Yup, it's everyone's favorite WFTIPS flame-out Oliver Perez.

"It wasn't a long decision. We needed a fourth starter, and he pitched well for us this year," manager Willie Randolph told the Associated Press. "We like his stuff. It was down to either him or Dave Williams, and we felt like he was the guy that would give us a quality start."

I don't know what stuns me more, the fact that Perez is starting tonight, or the fact that the other option was Dave freaking Williams. For those of you who are unaware, Williams is also a former Pirates product, whom management deemed expendable last off-season. The feeling was that the team had a "bevy" of more "talented" pitchers and therefore could afford to cut him loose. Despite the Buccos 67-95 record this year, it was still the right call.

No matter what happens this evening, my life as a Pirates fan may never be the same.

The Saga Begins

Last fall was bad. I had just graduated from college with a liberal arts degree in American Culture. I was unemployed. I was single. I was living with my parents. The last thing I could afford to do was spend money to see a losing hockey team. Yet night after night, I found myself standing for an hour in the freezing cold of the student rush line, breath showing, fingers slowly going numb, ready to clunk down another $20 for a Penguins ticket.

So why did I habitually blow my cash on the worst team in the NHL? Well, you know how when the Power Ball Jackpot hits $100 million, there are suddenly all of these seemingly rational people who run over other customers at the gas stations in order to drop half of their paychecks on tickets? (If you don’t, you clearly need to watch more of your local news). Anyway, those people in line at the gas station…that was me with the Penguins last season.

Let me explain further. Most of the time, you were likely to see a stink bomb of a game at Mellon Arena. My favorite example was a Pens-Rangers contest in early November, back when there was still a modicum of hope the team could turn the season around. A rocking sell-out crowd, booing every time Jaromir Jagr touched the puck, saw the Pens get outshot 41-21, beaten to every loose puck and take bad penalty after bad penalty. Final score: Rangers 6, Penguins 1, with a Jagr hat-trick, including two goals 15 seconds apart to boot.

Yet every once and a while, everything clicked. Crosby scored that magical shootout winner against the Canadians, then badly outplayed rival Alexander Ovechkin in a Penguins vs. Capitals match-up a few weeks later. Twice the team exploded for six goals, thrashing future Hall-of-Famer Martin Brodeur, and the New Jersey Devils. Countless times they scored late goals to tie the score, only to lose in overtime. Those games were the winning Power Ball ticket, the golden sheet of paper inside the Willy Wonka Bar, and the chance that you were holding a winner when you clunked down your $20 right before face off, well, that’s what kept me coming back game after game. The Penguins were a unique 58 point team, in that they were so young, but also so talented. At least once a game, and sometime for a whole game they gave you a glimpse of what they might become.

I was reminded of that feeling as we pulled into the Mellon Arena parking lot last Thursday night, opening night on the 2006-2007 Pittsburgh hockey season: Penguins vs. Flyers. This year, Karasic, Zavo and I had a special guest in our midst: Karasic’s girlfriend Meghann. I know, I know…I’m impressed to, a girl that wanted to come with us to a hockey game. It’s even more remarkable considering she witnessed my Defcon-4 meltdown following Bettis’s fumble in the AFC Divisional Playoffs. Not my proudest moment.

Anyway, here’s what I’ll remember about this year’s game…

…A feeling of optimism as you entered the arena. You gotta love opening day. Even for a team coming off five straight losing seasons and with modest expectations, there were posters, jerseys, caps and tee-shirts wherever you looked. Hell, even a guy over fifty (who may or may not have been Karasic’s dad) was willing to get the Penguins logo painted on his cheek. Now, that’s commitment.

…Section D26. We were fortunate enough to be seated in front of a group of yinzers who had obviously been tailgating since breakfast. They made it a point to call out the one Flyers fan in our section, and also lead everyone in a raucous chorus of “D-26…D-26…D-26.” It was much better in person, but you get the idea. Also, a special shout-out to the guy behind me. When an Asian fan in black and gold body paint was shown dancing on the jumbotron, he yelled “Where have you gone, Jim Paek?!” Hey, I said they were funny, not PC.

… Michelle Ouellet’s goal. Opening minutes of the game, Pens looking like garbage, Philly completely controlling the tempo of the game…and suddenly there’s a loose puck in front of the Flyers net…and Michelle Ouellet is pouncing on it…and he’s wristing one towards the goal…and THE RED LIGHT IS FLASHING…1-0 PENGUINS! Up until that point, the game looked like so many disasters from last season. Ouellett’s score got the curbed the Flyers momentum and got the crowd back into the contest.

…Ten freaking penalties. While perhaps one or two of the Penguins slip-ups were questionable calls, it’s hard to argue the legitimacy of most of them. What’s particularly frustrating is many of them are the result of the same syndrome: poor defensive positioning. Even with an upgrade in personnel, the Pens still get beaten into their own zone, and as a result, have to hook and hold to catch up. They were fortunate it didn’t come back to haunt them in this game though, because of…

…The penalty-killing. Sweet Jesus, what an improvement in this area, even if it’s only one game. Give new GM Ray Shero a big hand for improving this area in the off-season. New players like Jarko Ruutu and Dominic Moore earned their pay-checks by never letting Philly gain any momentum on the power play. Ruutu was particularly adept at blocking shots, something that’s a premium on the PK in the new NHL (see Sabres, Buffalo). Meanwhile, Moore won a ton of face-offs, both short-handed and at even strength. Have the Penguins had a reliable face-off guy since Ron Francis? Seriously, have they?

…In-game entertainment. Live actual penguins before the game; Scott Blasey of “The Clarks” signing the National Anthem; an arena-wide karaoke sing-along to Journey’s Don’t Stop Believing (where 16, 957 voices cracked trying to hit the high-note on “born and raised in South Detroit). Talk about a team that knows what gets their fan-base fired up.

…How much I hate the Flyers. Trailing 4-0 in the second period, Philly realized it wasn’t going to be their night. So what do they do? They start making runs at the Penguins. The Nolan Baumgartner skirmish wasn’t so bad, particularly because Colby “Strongarms” kicked his ass. More offensive was Petr Forsberg coming after Sidney Crosby after the whistle had blown. You think Forsberg was just jealous because he can no longer score goals as pretty as the one Sid the Kid ripped by Esche a few minutes earlier? Yeah, I do too.

…That there are no adjectives left to describe Sidney Crosby. He’s bigger, quicker and stronger on the puck this season. Add to that the fact that he’s already scoring goals on reputation. Early in the second period, Crosby broke down the left side with the puck. Fearing a dazzling cross ice pass, Esche froze in the center of the goal, giving Sid just enough space to laser a shot into the corner of the net. That’s respect that gave Crosby the hole to shoot on. That’s pure talent that he buried it.

…The dawn of a new Penguins saying. Poor John Leclair; he actually had a pretty fair game against his old club. However, every time he touched the puck in the offensive zone, and later anywhere on the ice, either Karasic or I would quip, “Malkin probably buries that.”

…The fans in the third period. Really, the sell-out crowd was in top form for the whole game, but the last 20 minutes took it to a new level. The environment was like the student section of a college football game, with lots of “Let’s go Pens!” and “Go home Flyers!” chants which shook the rafters of the 45 year-old Mellon Arena. I even ripped off the Oakland Zoo and got the about 15 people near me to serenade the Flyers with “This is practice,” in the game’s closing minutes. Imaginative? No, not particularly; but it’s more people than have ever gone along with one of my cheers before, so let me have my moment in the sun. And finally, I’ll remember…

…Marc-Andre Fleury. More than any young prospect on this Penguins team, Fleury is most representative of the roster as a whole. Crosby is an institution at 18. Guys like Ryan Whitney and Armstrong have the potential to be great, but won’t break the franchise if they don’t develop. Fleury’s career epitomizes that Power Ball, Golden Ticket phenomenon. He’s brilliant one minute, horrific the next, but always with enough potential to keep you coming back; and for the 60 minutes when he puts it all together…watch out. After a weak start to training camp, there was talk about Fleury splitting time with Jocelyn Thibault, or worse starting the season in the minors. Here’s hoping the 40 save shut-out performance on opening night is him taking the starting job by the throat and never looking back. I’m sure there are 16, 957 people that will never question why the Penguins took him first overall ever again.

Well, what can I say except I’m hooked again. I have a part-time job this fall, but now there’s a lease and all the subsequent expense that go with an apartment. So if you see me at Mellon Arena this fall, ready to blow money I don’t have on tickets to a Penguins game, don’t even try to stop me. Trust me, it’s not worth it. And in case the fact that this column has spiraled to over 1,500 words didn’t give it away, I am, in fact, still single.

Does Ozzie Guillen Get Free Slurpies Now?

I used to be violently opposed to the ever-growing orgy between corporate sponsorship and the sports world. However, in the last couple years, my position has softened. Perhaps it's because I realized the force pulling the two together is unbreakable, kind of like whatever it was that held Excalibur into that giant slab of rock. I'm sure in a few years my favorite teams will have replaced the logos on the front of their jersey's with ads for Wonderbread. At this point though, I'm okay with it. Really.

So it is not with poisinous disgust, but rather light amusement that I regard this story from Chicago. It seems the White Sox are bumping up the start of their home games by four minutes, to 7:11 p.m. as part of a three-year deal with the convenience store of the same name. Although financial figure were not disclosed, a White Sox spokesmen said he expects the team to re-invest the revenue into the team's payroll or to make improvements on the ballpark.

"Every time the media announces the game's start time it will be a gentle reminder of our sponsorship," Margaret Chabris, a 7-11 spokeswoman said.

Four minutes seems like a small price to pay for a nice influx of cash. Hell, I'd allow my WFTIPS Pirates to call the starting time for their home games "Uni-Mart" if it meant they could actually afford a left-handed, power-hitting first baseman.

Carl Monday on a Tuesday

With The Daily Show's recent valentine to everyone's favorite investigative reporter, Carl Monday, I thought it was only appropriate at this time to post an updated links section on the "incident."

In case you haven't seen the original clip, well, first of all where the hell have you been, and second of all it can be found here. As always, huge props to Will Leitch and Deadspin for uncovering this. There was also a follow-up report on the Cleveland TV station after Mike Cooper was arrested and arraigned for public indecency.

Two weeks ago, The Daily Show's Jason Jones filed this story, taking a closer look at what it means to be the man in the trench coat. In some ways, the nearly ten minutes of unused footage is even better than what actually made it onto the air.

This spurred some creepy old bald dude to record his thoughts on the whole matter from his basement, and then upload the video onto YouTube. Definitely check out the comments section if you follow the link. The guy also has a blog that's pretty lame.

Although, in fairness, any blog would appear lame when you compare it to Carl Monday's

God Bless YouTube, Week 11

Solla Solla Enna Perumai

For this week's feature, a simple math equation: Bollywood + Scarface+ Saturday Night Fever = five minutes and fourteen seconds of pure viewing pleasure.

Monday Morning Juice

What a disappointing end for the University of Illinois Fighting Illini and official North O Forbes quarterback Juice Williams this Saturday. On the strength of two Juice touchdown passes, Illinois jumped out to a 25-7 second-quarter lead on Indiana. However, the Hoosiers proceeded to rattle off 24 consecutive points, and eventually took the game, 34-32, on a field goal as time expired. Juice's final line: 10-21 for 190 yards, two touchdowns and zero interceptions, with an additional 53 rushing yards on 10 carries. Next Saturday, Mr. Williams and his boys host the University of Ohio Bobcats. Game time is 7 p.m.

Opening Night

Penguins 4, Flyers 0. Totally fucking speechlees. I'm not sure that words can describe what it feels like to watch your team get outshot 40-21, yet still pulverize its biggest rival on opening night. I'll try and come up with something more articulate and meaningful to say in the next couple days. Really, I don't have the energy left right now to process what I just saw. Sidney Crosby is a once in a generation talent and the rightful heir to Lemieux's spot as franchise player. Marc-Andre Fleury resembled Patrick Roy during the 1986 Stanley Cup Finals. The Ruutu-Moore-Ouellet played like a house on fire. Colby Armstrong beat the ever-living piss out of some random Flyer, and it doesn't even matter that I don't know who it was. The jackass deserved it just for putting on that ugly orange and black jersey.

Penguins Preview Part 6: Hitting the Links

When we began this whole endeavor last month, we weren't exactly sure where it was going to take us. With the start of the NHL season a little over six hours away, and the Penguins season a little over thirty hours away, we think this is a good moment to pause and reflect on what we created. We're proud to say we stayed away from the textbook analysis for which we have such disdain, however, we're also not sure that what we came out with was exactly a "preview." Instead, we produced a series of posts that's more likely to get Penguins fans fired up for the upcoming season, rather than informing them of what they migh actually see on the ice. We're okay with that. More than okay with that actually. We'd rather stir you passions, and leave the nitty gritty to the people who actually have media credentials, a worthwhile rolodex and a paycheck to show for their efforts. Efforts we reserve the right to mock when they say something stupid, by the way.

That said, there are plenty of people who are very good at this part of the job, so on this last day of the pre-season, we thought we'd off you loyal readers (all five or six of you) a sampling of what the professional hockey experts are saying about the impending season. After all, it's a big league out there, Penguins fans.

EASTERN CONFERENCE:

ATLANTIC DIVISION:
New Jersey Devils: Newark Star-Ledger
New York Rangers: New York Times
New York Islanders: Newsday
Philadelphia Flyers: Philadelphia Inquirer
Pittsburgh Penguins: Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, Pittsburgh Tribune-Review

NORTHEAST DIVISION:
Boston Bruins: Boston Globe
Buffalo Sabres: Buffalo News
Montreal Canadiens: Montreal Gazette
Ottawa Senators: Ottawa Citizen
Toronto Maple Leafs: Toronto Star

SOUTHEAST DIVISION:
Atlanta Thrashers: Atlanta Journal-Constititution (Free Registration Required)
Carolina Hurricanes: Charlotte Observer
Florida Panthers: Miami Herald
Tampa Bay Lightning: Tampa Tribune
Washington Capitals: Washington Post

WESTERN CONFERENCE:

CENTRAL DIVISION:
Chicago Blackhawks: Chicago Sun-Times
Columbus Blue Jackets: Columbus Dispatch
Detroit Red Wings: Detroit Free Press
Nashville Predators: Nashville Tennessean
St. Louis Blues: St. Louis Post Dispatch

NORTHWEST DIVISION:
Calgary Flames: Calgary Herald
Colorado Avalanche: Denver Post, Rocky Mountain News
Edmonton Oilers: Edmonton Journal
Minnesota Wild: Minneapolis Star Tribune
Vancouver Canucks: Vancouver Sun

PACIFIC DIVISION:
Anaheim Ducks: Orange County Register
Dallas Stars: Dallas Morning News
Los Angeles Kings: Los Angeles Times, Los Angeles Daily News
Phoenix Coyotes: Arizona Republic News
San Jose Sharks: San Jose Mercury News

NATIONAL SITES:

Canada.com has a big overview.

ESPN's Terry Frei offers his predictions for the season, and the whole rest of the carcass of what was once the NHL Tonight Crew offer theirs.

NHL.com's Phil Coffey looks at this year's rookie class while Shawne P. Roarke checks up on last year's crop.

SI.com's Alan Muir has 17 bold predictions, and Scott Wraight provides the season's first power rankings. The magazine also has predicted finishes for the East and West.

Offwing Opinion just has better links than us.

Fox Sports has its own set of power rankings and a list of the best remaining free agents and a list of previews for each team.

Hockeybuzz has a good series of articles, including Eklund's forum on opening day traditions.

CBS Sportline's Wes Goldstein thinks this year will be even better than the the last, and even has his own power rankings.

The Versus Network gives us a schedule of all its nationally broadcast games.

TSN is all over the start of the season.

Finally, what's with the collective fuss about the Phoenix Coyotes?

Penguins Preview Part 5: God Bless [Google Video], Week 10

Artie and Trots

Normally, we here at North O Forbes are die-hard YouTube devotees. Well, after hours of clicking the back arrow, refreshing pages, and re-registering accounts we decided that it just wasn't going to happen this week, and made a tough call to post a video from a competitor. And let me tell you, this isn't just any ordinary video. In fact, we are of the belief that YouTube, Google Video, Gorilla Mask, and all other competing internet viral sites may in fact have been invented just so Penguins fans could watch this clip on repeat.

For those of you who aren't Penguins fans...well, here's a little game you can play while watching. There are two former Pens players featured here: Bryan Trottier and Kevin Stevens. Try and figure out which one sounds like a member of Will Hunting's posse, and which one sounds like the long lost McKenzie brother from Strange Brew. And if you aren't a Penguins fan, and don't get those pop-culture references well...there's nothing else we can do for you.

NOTE: This clip definitely isn't suitable for work (NSFW). Unless you have ear phones or a very understanding boss, don't make the same mistake we did.

Big Announcement

I don't really count myself as a huge college football fan. Maybe it's the fact that there's no playoff system, and therefore an inconclusive national champion. It might also have something to do with the fact that I went to a Division III liberal arts college that until 1968 only admitted women, doesn't have a football team and counts club women's rugby as its most successful sport. So yeah, kinda missed out on the whole game-day tailgating experience.

Anyway, it's a rare Saturday when I park myself on the couch for hours to toggle back and forth between the days best college football offerings. Even rarer still is the Saturday night when I sit down to watch the highlights of that day's action. Well, for whatever reason, last night happened to be one of those nights and it may have changed the way I view the game for the foreseeable future.

Chief among yesterday's biggest games was the University of Illinois 23-20 upset of Michigan State. And leading the way for the Fighting Illini was a freshman quarterback by the name of Juice Williams. Yes, that's right. His name is Juice Williams.

I apologize that this somehow managed to slip my attention for the first four weeks of the season, but I promise you I'm rectifying the situation right here. Beginning at 12:37 AM this morning, Juice Williams is now the official quarterback of North O Forbes. As for what this means...well, I'm not exactly sure. I know there will be weekly updates of his performance and a free blog tee-shirt coming his way if we ever have the market or the capital to make them (stop snickering). Other than that, I'm willing to be spontaneous.