Tonight I attended the wedding of a family friend. It was you're pretty standard deal: about 150 people; ceremony in a church at 3:30; reception right after at a community center a few miles away. Here, without the benefit of a night's sleep are my random notes and observations from the evening.
---Instead of communion cups, the eucharist gift from the church to the newly married couple should be Target cards.
---"Wedding Crashers" seriously messed up some people's game. Before, when an older guy danced with a toddler, he was "good with kids" and "sensitive and sweet." Now he "probably hasn't been laid in a while and is trying way too hard."
---I don't know if it says more about me or my good friend from high school, that, I think the happiest profession he could have in life would be as a drummer in a wedding band.
---Speaking of which, Phil, if you ever figure out the above, please remember if it's 20 minutes after dinner and the bar is still open, playing a "Smashmouth" cover isn't the answer to getting people on the dance floor.
---When the groom's sister is older than the bride and still single, you really need to keep an eye on her. At the reception, said sister alternated between trips to the bar for another Mike's Hard Lemonade, and locking onto new targets at whom to throw herself. At one time or another she pursued: the best man, the bartender, the bride's 17 year-old younger brother, the band's lead singer, her college friend's father (who looked like he'd just won the power ball, until his wife spotted him) and the priest who performed the nuptials. I'm kidding about the last one, but I would bet anything he was next on the list. The clincher though, was when the sister found a single guy around her age with enough alcohol and lost inhibitions that he responded to her vibes. The two of them were grinding pretty hot and heavy to "Celebration" and "Loveshack." She might have actually gotten lucky had the hard lemonade's not caught up with her. There was actually a moment where you could see her trying to hold it in, knowing both booting in front of everyone or the dash to the ladies room would kill her momentum with this guy. Eventually, she gave up and made the dash, but the look on her face during that moment of decision was priceless.
---There's nothing creepier than being 22 years old, 5 or 6 drinks deep and the only guy on the dance floor with 15 women who remember when Chubby Checker's "The Twist" was actually a hit on the billboard charts.
---I love how at 3:30 a girl can is crossing herself and kneeling in church and at 10:30 is humping the dance floor to Miami Sound Machine.
---New wedding game to play. Try to pick out the couple where both members will have too much to drink and end up in a screaming match where they hash out there relationship issues in front of all the guests. Seriously all the talk of commitment and holy matrimony in the air makes couples on the edge bring their issues to the surface. The free booze brings down the inhibitions just enough that a public fight is inevitable.
---Here's a tip for the game. If the older sister of the groom is in a relationship bet on her. If she's single, bet on the girl who ends up humping the floor.
---I think I'm going to elope.
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