Ramblings on Carson Palmer

So let me first start off by saying that, even as a Steeler fan, I'm rooting for Carson Palmer to come back at full strength. It's not as much survivor guilt, as it is empathy. With the Bengals and the Los Angeles Clippers now making playoff appearances, my Pirates have taken up the mantle of Worst Fucking Team in Professional Sports (WFTIPS from now on). When Palmer went down during that divisional playoff game, it wasn't hard to personalize. I could only imagine what it would be like to have the Buccos finally make the post-season, only to have Jason Bay tear his rotator cuff in the first inning of the first game. Cincinnati, some things really aren't fair.

That said, I still think Mr. Palmer is a bit of a California pretty boy with a bitchy streak, and a weird pent-up hatred for my favorite team. Therefore, in the wake of his glorious return to action Monday night, I feel the need to point something out. According to the Elias Sports Bureau, three QBs threw for three touchdowns in an NFL pre-season game last year:

Donovan McNabb, Chris Simms and Bradlee Van Pelt. All I'm really saying is that if Bradlee Van Pelt can do it, how hard can it be?

Well, that and preseason games mean nothing, the Packers suck, and the Steelers still would have won that playoff game even if Carson Palmer's knee wasn't shredded like an Enron filing cabinet.

Can you tell I'm bitter his comeback happened two days after my fantasy draft?

God Bless YouTube, Week 5

Right Now.

The theme for this week's post is innovation. Since I just figured out how to post virals directly into the blog, I thought I'd honor the occasion with a commercial for one of the greatest innovations of my lifetime. For those of you that disagree, I offer up my friend Greg's 10th birthday party. When listing the reasons why his party was going to kick ass, Greg said "we've got Crystal Clear Pepsi, four video games from Blockbuster and pizza." And when you're ten years old, anything that ranks ahead of not only four video games from Blockbuster but also pizza, clearly represents an innovation.

If you're still not convinced, well, you didn't send me a video this week, so screw you. Your opinion doen't count.

Has He Tried Match.com?

So during the off-season last year, a guy from Brentwood named Brian Jackson impersonated Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger in order to meet women. Apparently, a few of them bought the ruse for an extended period of time, because I remember some very pissed off ladies when his scam was revealed. What I find remarkable is that there were actually people in Pittsburgh who, in 2005, had no idea what Ben Roethlisberger looked like. No wonder these women were single.

Well, despite undergoing pscyhological counseling, Mr. Jackson is at again. This time though, he wisely chose a lesser-known Steeler to impersonate, posing as perennial back-up tight end Jerame Tuman. This time, the guy even got into what sounds like a pretty serious relationship with the woman. His "girlfriend" even agreed to loan him gobs of money on repeated occasions, proving just how far being a professional football player can carry you romantically in this town.

On that note, if we're ever out at a bar together, my name is Sean Morey.

Smackdown!

As reader of this blog know, I am a painfully loyal Pittsburgh Pirates fan. Not to revisit old wounds, but the Bucs haven't had a winning record since 1993. During the past thirteen-and-a-half seasons, there have been many, many times when I had an overhelming desire to punch a Pirates starting pitcher in the face. However, unlike Toronto Blue Jays manager John Gibbons, I wasn't A) Coaching the team and B) Actually going to follow through on my urge.

The event I'm referring to took place in the bottom of the third inning of Monday night's game between the Jays and the Oakland A's. During the frame, Toronto starter Ted Lilly allowed Oakland to score seven runs, cutting what had been an 8-0 Blue Jays lead to just a single run.

Not surprisingly, Gibbons decided to summon a reliever from the bullpen. However, when he went out to get the ball from Lilly, Gibbons couldn't refrain from chewing out his starter. Lilly, in turn screamed back at Gibbons, even refusing to give him the ball (this despite the fact that he had just given up seven runs). Lilly finally relented, but the player and coach continued to shout at each other in the dugout. Eventually, the argument moved to the locker room runway, where, from all reports, Gibbons initiated a physical confrontation.

As an aside, the video (I'll keep checking YouTube for it) of the fistfight is pretty funny. You can't see either Gibbons or Lilly, but there is a great angle of all the players on the bench rushing inside to see what's going on. It's kind of like when there was a controversial play in the elementary school kickball game, and all of a sudden it got physical. Someone would yell "fight!" and before you knew it, the whole third grade was scurrying across the playground to get a better look.

What's even better is that this isn't an isolated event for Gibbons. Last month, then Blue Jays third basemen Shea Hillenbrand claimed his manager challenged him to fight, even asking the infielder to punch him in the face. Although in Gibbons' defense, Hillenbrand had just gone off on a crazy tirade against the organization because it failed to congratulate him for the adoption of a new baby. Seriously, I couldn't make this stuff up.

Gibbons still has a long way to go though, to be considered the craziest Blue Jays manager of all-time. Right now, that title belongs to former skipper Tim Johnson, who used to fire up his team with battle stories from his days as a Marine in the Vietnam War. Shortly before the 1999 season, it was revealed that Johnson spent the entire conflict in the United States, never seeing a day of combat. The team offered him a chance to resign. He refused and was promptly fired. Maybe it's something in the water up there.

James Frey Has a Big Problem

I don't blame you if you've never heard of James Frey. I'm kind of ashamed that I have, actually. For the fortunately unaware, Frey is the author of A Million Little Pieces, a supposed biography chronicling the writer's struggles with alcohol and drug addiction. In September of 2005, Oprah Winfrey selected the memoir for her book club, causing sales to skyrocket. Unfortunately for Frey, The Smoking Gun released a report this January, claiming that he fabricated many parts of his supposedly true story.

Initially, Frey vehemently denied the charges. However, later that month he appeared on Oprah, where, after being bitch-slapped by the host, he confessed to making up parts of his story. Part of Frey's justification: the heightened drama from the fictional passages was the only way any publisher would take a chance on the book. He also said some pretty weird stuff about how the same "demons" that drove him to drugs and alcohol had caused him to lie.

Why is this important? Well, Deadspin is doing an NFL preview feature where one literary fan of each team tells the world "Why My NFL Team is Better than Your NFL Team." The choice to write the article on the Cleveland Browns? You guessed, James Frey.

The piece is fairly well written, albeit about pretty standard Cleveland fan stuff (lots of moaning about having never seen a championship). However, at the end of the first paragraph, Frey drops this doozy on the reader:

"Before they left for Baltimore in 1995 (Fuck you Art Modell), they had been rebuilding for several years. In typical Cleveland fashion, that team won the Super Bowl ... as the Ravens two years after they left."

Seems like a pretty logical complaint for a Browns fan, right? Except, the Baltimore Ravens didn't win the Super Bowl in 1997. The Denver Broncos did. The Ravens didn't even win the Super Bowl in 1998. The Denver Broncos did, again. In fact, the Ravens didn't win a championship until the 2000-01 season, their fifth year in Baltimore. Hmmm. Exaggerating a point to add drama. Still can't shake those "demons," can you Jimmy?

God Bless YouTube, Week 4

We owe a very big thanks to Matt Karasic this week, for sending us what can only be described as a cutting edge and potentially headline-making video. Given the media circus surrounding Zinedine Zidane's headbutt of Marco Mazeratti in the World Cup final, we find it remarkable that this underground footage of a French national soccer team training drill didn't get more coverage. Someone call FIFA.

Chris Sheridan Could Only Think of 8 Reasons

Once upon a time, it was free to surf the internet. Well, you still had to buy a modem and pay a service provider, but most sites, at least those without naked people were didn't cost any extra money.

With the number of people who have access to the internet increasing, more and more domains are beginning to charge users for content on their site. One of the worst offenders, unfortunately for me, is ESPN.com. It used to be the worldwide leader would only offer the occasional feature like "Mel Kiper's Big Mock Draft Board" and "Rob Neyer's 50 Greatest Post-Season Pitching Performances" to insiders. However, these days you can't read certain columnists or any archived stories unless you shell out the $39.95 per year it takes to be an ESPN Insider. Admittedly, it's not that pricy, except that the bill always seems to expire right after I've done something like just forked out first and last month's rent and a security deposit.

That said, I have to wonder sometimes why ESPN considers certain articles premium content. Take Chris Sheridan's most recent column, for example (sorry, only ESPN Insiders can follow the link). In it, Sheridan offers ten reasons why the United States, despite a strong exhibition showing, is not going to win the World Basketball Championships later this month. Except, Sheridan could really only think of 8 reasons. So instead of just going with a potentially awkward number in his story, Sheridan chooses to proffer these as legitimate reasons why Team USA will come up short:

"8. The food factor. If you don't like Japanese food, you can subsist over here on American fast food. But try eating that stuff for three weeks, and watch your energy level plummet in inverse proportion to your climbing cholesterol count.

9. The smell factor. This is a little disgusting, but it's true: Some of these teams stink, literally. Players on international teams travel to and from the arenas in their uniforms, and many players forsake showers as a result. I got a really close look at Argentina during the Worlds in Indianapolis, and I do not believe Fabricio Oberto, Luis Scola or Andres Nocioni bathed during the entire tournament. BO may be repulsive, but it also keeps defenders a few extra inches away."

That, is cutting edge analysis.

Also, this is just one in a series of articles by Sheridan about USA Basketball's shortcomings. The guy is essentially staking his reputation on the Americans losing in Japan. If the Stars and Stripes have a lead late in the gold medal game, I fully expect Sheridan to pop out of the stands and start mowing down players like Damon Wayans in The Last Boy Scout.

Povertyneck Hillbillies Update

The aformentioned Ben Roethlisberger-in-a-yinzer-country-music-video has been released, and is available here.

Be careful though. I just tried to click on the link, and got this message:

Bandwidth Limit Exceeded

The server is temporarily unable to service your request due to the site owner reaching his/her bandwidth limit. Please try again later.

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Apache/1.3.36 Server at www.rustrecords.com Port 80

Pittsburgh: a mecca of highbrow culture.

Evgeni Malkin is Probably Crazy (But in a Good Way)

About the only thing anyone can agree on about Evgeni Malkin these days, is that the Pengiuns prospect is the best hockey player not currently in the NHL. Emphasis on the word currently. Since the end of the regular season, the Pens have been furiously trying to sign the second-overall pick in the 2004 entry draft to a professional contract. I don't think there's enough room on Blogger's server for me to detail all the twists and turns the process has taken, but let's just say it involves: handshake deals, broken contracts, Malkin's Russian League team Metallurg Magnitogorsk, (which surprisingly is not lifted from a Roger Moore thriller), possible Mafia influences, about 800 quotes in the American news media that you can't read without hearing a goofy Eastern European accent, and Malkin finally fleeing his homeland like the Golem in Michael Chabon's The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Klay.

Yet, perhaps the most bizarre, and wonderful aspect, of this story is that Malkin recently opened a restaurant in his home country themed after the comforts of a Russian jail. I'm no dining critic, but the attention to detail sounds phenomenal:

"Barred windows and ceiling, lamps designed as police flashlights, barbed wire and excerpts from the Russian Penal Code are significant parts of the interior design...You can have a seat on a plank-bed (there are comfortable chairs for the more delicate) and eat your food with an aluminum fork."

It's been a while since we've had an insane superstar in Pittsburgh (oh Jaromir), and I for one think the town is ready. Sure, Big Ben does some stupid stuff, but it falls more into the category of shitfaced-yinzer-fratboy, ie, stuff you see any weekend night on Carson Street. A jail themed restaurant? That's the brilliant kind of crazy. I only hope Malkin's on-ice wizardy matches his off-ice entrepreneurial skills. Man, the kid can't get here soon enough.

God Bless YouTube, Week 3

Slightly delayed post this week, but the new apartment wasn't rigged up for cable until late this Saturday. I hope all six of you that actually follow this thing will forgive me.

With props to Jessica Cicchino, the first person to email a video suggestion to northoforbes@gmail.com, the theme of this week's edition is the local news. Growing up, I used to think the heavy-handedness and amateurish tint of the nightly news broadcasts were unique to my hometown market. However, as these videos indicate the above characteristics were in no way unique to the 'Burgh.

The first video, ostensibly, is seeking to unveil the dangers of leaving your bicycle unattended, read: how easy it is to pick a bike lock. First of all, what a cutting edge idea for a story. I'd love to know what other investigative reports were left on the floor when they decided to pursue this angle. I'm curious to know if the woman who spazzes out is upset because she thinks this report is actually of vital importance to the public, or if she's just so depressed that this is the direction her career's gone, that she ends up flipping her lid. If the latter is the case, I just picture her screaming at her producer later on, "I went to NORTHWESTERN! I don't have to take this! I'm a real journalist! I'm a real journalist!"

Since were on the subject of local news, I've been looking for an excuse to post this video from Deadspin for a couple weeks now. I have three comments on the clip: Carl Monday is a supreme fucktard, I'm thinking of going as Mike Cooper for halloween, and the father may be the most sympathetic person ever captured on video. There's also a follow-up report that can be found here.

Michael Kay is an Ass-Clown

Going to college in the New York area, I was subjected to watching my fair share of baseball games on the YES Network (an entire channel owned by and devoted strictly to the New York Yankees). Perhaps the worst part of watching a game on YES was the stable of broadcasters, who always managed to display not only blatant homerism, but also disdain and disgust at even the slightest thing un-Yankee. The worst offender by far was Michael Kay, who's emphatic home-run call of "SeeYA!" made me want to go lie down in traffic on the BQE every time.

Anyway, the folks at FireJoeMorgan uncovered this delicious little soundbyte from the Michael Kay Radio Show. In one three-minute span, the host manages to piss-off both Jews and African-Americans, all in the name of defending his decision to point-out on the air that Chien-Ming Wang had a perfect game in the sixth-inning. Wang lost the perfect game shortly thereafter, leading a bunch of irate Yankee fans like Jimmy from Queens (whom Kay can be heard berating at the beginning of the clip) to call in and complain that Kay jinxed Wang. Personally, I think the soundbyte is the perfect auditory example of a grown man "getting his panties in a bunch." And yes, I am suggesting that Michael Kay may in fact wear women's underwear.

It gets even better though. The show's official website displays a survey where Kay among other things claims "he doesn't root for any teams" and that "the Olympics are everything that's wrong with the world today." However, my favorite section is Kay's top-5 wishes, where he ranks "Jennifer Anniston" and "incredible wealth" above "health for my family." What a guy.

God Bless YouTube, Week 2

I have a thing for Defcon 4 sports meltdowns. While this week's clip from the 1988 Wales Conference Finals doesn't possess the oultandishness of Bobby Knight, or the absurdity of the minor league manager from a couple weeks ago, I'm linking it for a few reasons. First of all, it's newsreel footage from almost 20 years ago, which gives the whole scene a Zapruder-like, important-piece-of-history aura. Secondly, the berated referee is Don Koharski, an ass-clown with a noted dislike for Mario Lemieux (which, if I'm not mistaken, breaks the 11th commandment). Finally, Devils coach Jim Schoenfeld is so damn Canadian it hurts. There's the accent of course, but also, how about the fact that his final barb tossed at Koharski is "You fat Pig! Have another doughnut!" Ouch Jim, ouch.