God Bless YouTube, Week 20

Uncle Randy Andrew Gold performing Thank You for Being a Friend

This week's video commemorates my return to trivia night at a local watering hole. Zavo, some other friends of North O Forbes and myself were big bar trivia players during the summer of 2004, at a local deli/pub. The prize for victory there included a case of Rolling Rock and a $25 gift certificate for sandwiches. For the better part of two months, our team had a nice little winning streak going, where every week,we could play trivia, eat for free on last week's winnings and come home to a refrigerator so stocked with beer we stashed some of it in the vegetable crisper.

In retrospect our summer of trivia success probably had more to do with the fact that our team was twice the size of anyone else playing, and most of the other people that did show up were there more for the Long Island special, and as a result too bombed by the game's final round to really care who played the father on Leave it to Beaver. In fact, the deli disbanded trivia night shortly after the summer ended. Still, we thought of ourselves as the Gale Sayers of Pittsburgh trivia; forced into an early retirement at the peak of our careers.

Last Wednesday, with a very different group of friends, I took my first crack at a pub quiz in more than two years. This time it was at a mega-hip establishment in Lawrenceville, esentially a slice of Brooklyn transplanted to Penn Avenue (and if you don't believe that description, just take a look at the jukebox). Given the clientele at this place, I was pretty sure winning the would be difficult, nee impossible. The hipster chic crowd tends to do well in questions about literature, art and other intellectual subjects where I wouldn't label myself "disturbingly proficient". Essentially, categories that never come up when you're playing a trivia geared towards a bunch of townies in a local deli.

However, my confidence was buoyed by when the host kicked off the evening by announcing there would be a whole sports category in the first-round. I try not to brag, so I'll consider this next part more of an admission, but I am disturbinglt proficient with sports trivia. And naturally, I owned the category. I answered five straight questions about sports nicknames without a hitch. With my teammates clutch answers to some other tough questions, I naively thought my sports expertise would propel us to victory. After all, how many hipsters know that Walter Payton also went by the nickname "Sweetness"?

Then the host, who looked exactly like Mark Wahlberg if Mark dressed in thrift store clothes, had liposuction and did gobs of coke (ie, dressed to slum it and was really fucking skinny), announced the final category of the night: Name that Tune('s performer and year). "Okay, we can do that," I thought. My team consisted of enough music snobs that pulling a respectable total shouldn't have been a problem. As soon as the first song blared over the speakers, I knew we were screwed. It was a smooth soul ditty with hushed vocals, and brass blazing proudly at the chorus; the kind of tune The Ladies Man wold use to seduce a woman, and we had no clue what it was. Things only got worse from there. By the time they played "Thank You for Being a Friend" all hope was lost. Grasping at straws, my teammate Nathan, offered to all of us that had no idea of the artist's name, or what year the song came out, but, the artist had red, curly hair a beard, and resembled his Uncle Randy. We ended up writing that part down as our answer, and hoping for the best. We also ended up finishing 9th 6th out of 13 teams.

Yet as this video shows, Nathan was dead-on in his recollection of Andrew Gold's physical features. I don't personally have an uncle Randy, but if I did I imagine he would look just like Andrew Gold. This whole story was really just a long-winded way of saying that YouTube is great for confirming these kinds of things.

Give It Up For D-Wade

Sports Illustrated, which by the way is still a relevant magazine, named Miami Heat guard Dwyane Wade it's Sportsman of the Year this week. While I'll admit to some mild disappointment over the selection, considering Steelers Jerome Bettis and Bill Cowher were both mentioned among the nominees, overall I think it's a good choice. While the Bus's fairy tale ending makes me as misty as any self-respecting terrible towel waver, I think it would be hard to justify SI giving the honor to a back up running back who rushed for 368 yards and played in only 3/4 of his team's games. Anyway, I've always had a soft spot for Dwyane Wade, ever since he burst onto the national stage by single-handedly leading Marquette past my Pitt Panthers in the 2003 NCAA tournament. I'm usually a supreme bitch about guys eliminating my team from the playoffs (see Cabrera, Francisco), but something about Wade's performance was different.

Earlier this year I applied for a position as a basketball writer with about.com, and with my resume had to submit an original writing sample. I tried to craft a column about witnessing Wade come of age. It probably didn't work. I definitely didn't get the job. Yet rather than let the column rot away in perpetuity on the about.com email server, I'm offering it right now as a personal shout-out to SI's Sportsman of the Year.

The Revolution Was Not Televised

This is a story about the first time I saw Dwyane Wade play. Well, saw is actually the wrong word. This is a story about the first time I bore witness to Dwyane Wade’s game. I was reminded of this instance during game 3 of the NBA Finals, when Wade willed his team back from the brink of elimination and turned the tide in the series. I thought of it again on Wednesday night as I watched the NBA Draft and wondered if scouting combines, bench presses and vertical leaps be damned, sometimes with a player you just know.

In March of 2003, I was a sophomore at Vassar College in Poughkeepsie, New York. From this outpost on the Hudson, I did my best to follow my hometown University of Pittsburgh Panthers and their quest for the Final Four. That particular Pitt team was one of the best in school history. They went undefeated at home, won the Big East regular season and conference tournament titles, and were seeded #2 in the Midwest Regional. A few national publications even listed the Panthers as a strong dark horse candidate for the national championship.

Pitt seemed poised to meet expectations, storming through the first two rounds of the tournament by an average of 24 points. After dismantling 2002 national runner-up Indiana 74-52, Hoosiers coach Mike Davis stated emphatically "They are absolutely the best I've seen." It was on to the sweet sixteen for the Panthers, and a date with Marquette.

I almost closed the last paragraph with “and a date with Dwayne Wade and Marquette.” But the fact remains; Dwayne Wade wasn’t a pre-fix then, not at that point in his career, and certainly not to the average fan. Looking at his peers from the heralded 2003 NBA Draft class, Lebron James had already been on the cover of Sports Illustrated, while Carmelo Anthony was a shoo-in for national freshman of the year. Perhaps playing in a small market, mid-major conference school hurt Wade’s publicity. Perhaps his game had not fully blossomed to the point of rock-star status. At this point, both arguments are kind of irrelevant.

The Pitt-Marquette match-up was scheduled for slightly after nine o’clock on a Thursday night. I raced home from a lecture that ran long, hoping to catch the end of the first-half. Breathless, I flicked through the channels on my 1992 black and white Sony television. Finally, I got to CBS and….Kansas vs. Duke. Gahdammit. Of course Pitt wouldn’t be the regional broadcast in Poughkeepsie.

Dejected, I turned to my computer. After an eternity of Google searches and dead links, I finally stumbled on an internet streaming audio of the Pitt radio broadcast. I tossed off my sneakers and stretched out across my bed, hands behind my head, trying to visualize the action being described.

The second-half was just beginning as I settled in. From what I could gather, Pitt had jumped out to an early lead, but Marquette had rallied to tie the score. The teams essentially traded buckets since then. It wasn’t the blow-out and relaxing evening I had hoped for, but I took some solace in knowing the Panthers were a second-half team.

With 17 minutes left to play, and Marquette leading 40-39, Dwyane Wade drained a jump shot from the outside. Bill Hillgrove, Pitt’s play-by-play man pointed out that it was Wade’s first basket since early in the first half. I hadn’t noticed or cared. The Panthers missed their next two shots and in both instances Wade pushed the ball up-court and drove the lane for a basket. That gave him six straight points and put Marquette up by seven. Pitt called time-out. The radio broadcast broke for commercial.

My memory for specific details of the game cuts out after that. The box score shows that Dwyane Wade scored 22 points that night. Twenty of them came in the second half. The number still seems shockingly low. It’s a shame there’s not a statistic able to measure how many buckets Wade hit that curbed Pitt’s momentum; came at a point where the Panthers needed only a defensive stop to get back in the game. Time and time again he drove into the heart of the best defense in the Big East, emerging victorious over and over, his team still one step ahead of the opposition. Final score, Marquette 77, Pitt 74.

When Dwyane Wade cemented his status as NBA superstar this June, I was somewhat disappointed at my inability to recollect explicit moments or plays from that evening. All told, the loss one of the more painful moments in my time as a college basketball fan. Still, I wanted to have some images of what it looked like the night Wade served notice where his talent could take him. I wished I had some dazzling descriptions of the moves and shakes he used to break a fan’s heart--stories that would be my battle scar.

As hard as I could, all I could remember about the game were images of my sophomore room. There were sixteen cracks in the ceiling. I remember because I spent the last five minutes of the game counting them over and over again, hoping that ignoring the inevitable end result would make it go away. There were also the ceiling pipes that carried water to the bathroom next door; they seemed to whine and groan on cue every time Wade scored another back breaking basket. Even the feel of the battered wooden chair that sat at my computer desk came back to me. I plopped my nervous, shaking body there sometime late in the game, hoping a change would reverse Pitt’s karmic fortunes.

And yet now, I realize there’s a certain intrigue and power in this recollection. There are plenty of unspectacular players who for one moment in a game, execute a no-look pass or photogenic windmill dunk, then retreat back into relative mediocrity. It takes another kind of player to completely lay waste to a team that for six months had you dreaming of a national championship. They are so complete, so transcendent as athletes that the best way to witness them is listening on the radio alone, where looks can’t be deceiving.

God Bless YouTube, Week 19

Rupert Jee

Borat has nothing on Dave and Rupert.

Wouldn't THIS Be Great?

The last 48 hours epitomize why I can't get into college football. For every year (like last year) when the games break perfectly, there are three years when the teams in the BCS Championship game might as well be decided by the 2000 Florida Electoral College. While the debate rages over the decision to have one-loss Florida instead of one-loss Michigan meet undefeated Ohio State in the title game, I think everyone may be missing an interesting angle: shouldn't Boise St. be playing the Buckeyes? Despite playing in a "mid-major" conference, the Broncos are the only other team without a loss in Division I college football. If the Gators beat tOSU, and Boise St. beats Oklahoma in the Orange Bowl, would it really be that much of a stretch to declare the Broncos the best team in the country?

As further proof, I offer this little nugget of logic:

Boise State > Oregon State
Oregon State > USC
USC > Arkansas
Arkansas > Auburn
Auburn > Florida

Therefore:

Boise St. > Florida

If Florida beats Ohio St.

Florida > Ohio St. and Boise St. > Ohio St.

Are there holes in this logic? Of course. Will this scenario play out? Probably not. Am I rooting for it to happen? Absolutely.

Of course the Coaches Poll voters are required to vote whoever wins the "Tositos" BCS Championship as #1. However, the AP Poll voters can do whatever they see fit.

Presenting your 2006 NCAA Division I College Football co-National Champions Boise St. Broncos.

Au Revoir, Andre

The Tampa Bay Lightning claimed Penguins winger Andre Roy off of waivers today, ending Roy's year-and-a-half tenure with the black and gold. As the list below shows, Roy's departure leaves one two players on the Penguins roster (two three if you count Mark Recchi) from the group that Craig Patrick brought in following the 2003-04 season. And to think, this was the group that made me think the Pens were closer to a championship than the Steelers.

Sergei Gonchar: Still with Penguins
John LeClair: Placed on waivers, November 2006
Lyle Odelien: Who the fuck knows, February 2006 (?)
Zigmund Palffy: Retired January 2006
Mark Recchi: Traded to Carolina, March 2006 (re-signed with Penguins, summer 2006)
Andre Roy: Claimed off of waivers by Tampa Bay, December 2006
Jocelyn Thibault: Still with Penguins

At least the Penguins never tried to sign Joe Randa.

God Bless YouTube, Week 18

Orson Welles

You know, watching this movie, we suddenly don't feel so bad about ourselves. So what if we're single, working a job we hate and going home to our mom's house every other weekend to do laundry. Orson Welles was 26 when he made what is widely considered the finest film in the history of cinema. Yet, by the time he hit his late 60s, he was constantly bombed out of his gourd and pimping boxed wine on late-night network TV just to pay the rent. The lesson: it's all about pacing yourself.

The Madden Curse

Although Shaun Alexander made a triumphant return from injury on Monday night, his performance was also a not-subtle reminder of the Madden cover curse. You see, Alexander set an NFL record for touchdowns last season, powering his Seattle Seahawks to the NFC Championship. Not surpisingly, Alexander was picked to grace the cover of Madden 07 which considered a greater honor in most frat houses across America than being elected president. However, like so many Madden cover boys before him (see McNabb, Donovan, Lewis, Ray Vick, Michael, Faulk, Marshall, etc., etc., etc.), his season was cut down by injury, the culprit this time being a broken foot in week three.

While 201 yards on 40 carries is nice, you have to imagine that Seahawks fans, whose team stands 7-4, are probably wondering what might have been had their star running back not posed for that darned cover. While Seattle still stands to make the playoffs, they would have a much better chance at a higher seed and home field advantage had their all-world running back not missed nearly half the season.

And just in case you don't believe in curses, the website Pulled My Groin, who supplied the above picture, offers a pretty compelling argument as to the validity of this particular instance of voodoo.

Reinforcing Russian Stereotypes

As Evgeni Malkin continues to take the NHL by storm in his rookie season, I find myself forgetting from time-to-time what a struggle it was for the Penguins to bring him to the U.S. Well, Malkin's old team in Russia hasn't forgotten, and as Yahoo! Sports' Josh Peter reports, boy are they pissed.

While there is little to no chance Metallurg Magnitogorsk will emerge victorious from these court proceedings, you have to admire the pluck of the team's general manager, Gennady Velichkin, who is doing everything he personally can to let the sporting world know he is incredibly damn Russian. When asked to comment on the case, Velichkin set down his Dostoevsky novel, took a bite of kavier and poured himself a slow shot of vodka before retorting

"The Americans' arrogance is beyond any bounds. This is the theft of the century. They don't care that Malkin is Russia's national treasure. We must sue not only Pittsburgh but the entire National Hockey League and its whole arrogance. The NHL must receive a total condemnation from the entire sporting world."

Velichkin is also the guy who held a disheveled Malkin in a dank and dessolate basement cell, slapped him around, then psychologically co-erced him into unwittingly signing a new contract with Metallurg. Then, when that master plan fell through, he pounded on his slick, polished oak desk in his office high above the city and swore vengeance on these infidels and traitors.

What's funny is that the Dostoevsky, kaviar and vodka are the only parts I made up.

God Bless YouTube, Week 17 [NSFW]

Oh, Kramer

As anyone who reads the celebrity gossip pages knows, this is video of comedian Michael Richards, Kramer from Seinfeld, exploding into a racist diatribe during a performance at The Laugh Factory in Los Angeles Saturday night. Richards, who, apologized on The Late Show with David Letterman last night, said he became incensed when a group in the audience heckled him and he "took it badly." He then awkwardly tried to put the incident in sociological perspective, saying "he was concerned about the hate and rage," and "the great deal of disturbance between blacks and whites after Hurricane Katrina."

While we're saddened and disturbed that this favored icon of our youth would exhibit such intolerance, we're also slightly amused by the fall-out. For example, any incident that gets a video titled "Kramer is a Racist Motherfucker" on YouTube has to make you chuckle. We also think this video explains why it's been so hard for Michael Richards to establish a post-Seinfeld career. Even as he spews some of the most hate-filled words in the English language, we expect him to snap his fingers, wink, dance herky-jerky across the stage and blame the whole thing on a roofy Bob Sacamano slipped him.

And while we don't in any means condone this type of behavior, we still think there are worse things in which a washed-up, former superstar comedian from NBC can engage.

DEFINITELY NOT SUITABLE FOR WORK.

Monday Morning Juice

Ugly, ugly end of the season for the Illinois Fighting Illini and official North O Forbes QB Juice Williams, who lost to Northwestern 27-16 Saturday. Despite several close calls against ranked teams, the Illini finished their season with a 2-10 record. Juice had perhaps his worst game of the season againt the Wildcats, completing just 4 of 17 passes for 65 yards with 0 TDs and 0 INTs, while rushing 12 times for 54 yards and score. Juice's play was the fitting cap on a season that saw him go 0-7 after earning his title from North O Forbes. While disappointed about Juice, we're somewhat excited that we may have stumbled across a new way to curse athletes. We just might have to make Carson Palmer the official North O Forbes QB next season. He'd probably blow out his knee in a play-off game against the Steelers or something.

Dress for Success

When he was hired by the San Francisco 49ers two years ago, head coach Mike Nolan petitioned the NFL to let him wear a suit on the sideline. The move would honor his father Dick Nolan, who wore a suit during his tenure as 49ers head coach from 1968-75. Somewhat surprisingly, the league rejected the idea, citing it's agreement with Reebok to supply all coaching apparel.

Well after 18 months of waiting, Nolan is finally going to get his wish. The NFL announced Wednesday that Reebok has designed a suit ensemble for Nolan and Jaguars coach Jack Del Rio. An NFL spokesman confirmed that Nolan has been given permission to "test-drive" the suit for two games this season (you know, just in case it looks hideous or something; god forbid an NFL coach should look like a shlub on the sideline).

Seriously though, don't you think Mike Nolan was the biggest brown noser in grade school? "Oh teacher, I think you forgot to assign us homework. Teacher! Someone put a kick me sign on your back! Teacher, do you think I could wear a suit on the field trip rather than jeans and a tee-shirt?" I hope the other NFL coaches give him the swirly treatment during the next set of off-season meetings.

God Bless YouTube, Week 16

The Apache Dance

Say what you will about the moon landing, 9/11, or even the chocolate factory episode of I Love Lucy but in my opinion, this is the greatest moment in the history of television.

Are You Ready?

Now is the winter of our discontent. The Steelers “defense” of the Super Bowl championship ended the second the final gun sounded against the Raiders. Souped up with the arrival of Evgeni Malkin, the Penguins looked like world beaters for a couple weeks. However, injuries, a tougher schedule and younger players crashing back down to earth have spawned a rash of games that look far too much like last year’s debacle. Pitt football is desperately fighting make it to the Birmingham Bowl

Yet, fortunately, all sports hope is not lost right now as four months of freezing rain and grey skies descend upon our little burgh. The #4 ranked Pitt Panthers basketball team opens their home schedule tonight against Delaware State. With eight of ten players back from last year’s squad that went 25-8 and made the NCAA tournament, the Panthers figure to challenge for a final four appearance.

Since Pitt burst back onto the national basketball scene in 2001-02, they’ve been both a revelation and a paradox. For a multitude of reasons, Pittsburgh is far from a basketball town. Certainly there are a decent number of passionate and educated enthusiasts in the area, yet the average burgh sports fans don’t have the interest or knowledge to look at hoops in the same way they look at football. While the Petersen Events Center is often sold out for every home game, the majority of the tickets go to students, alumni and corporate donors. This isn’t all bad, as the Pete is considered among the biggest home court advantages in the Big East conference. Yet, the lack of tickets makes it difficult for new fans to attend, and to fall in love with the game and the team.

This upcoming season may be one of the most important in Panthers basketball history. The above-mentioned struggles of other local teams have Pittsburgh fans itching to support a winner. With the overwhelming support for the Steelers, and the impending emergence of the Penguins, there won’t be too many other years where Pitt hoops has the ability to dominate the headlines. As fickle as it may sound, I’m also concerned with how many chances casual fans will give Pitt after they fall short of expectations. In their five tournament appearances during the Howland/Dixon era, the Panthers have lost to a lower-seeded team four times and never made it past the sweet sixteen.

As national and conference powers Syracuse and UConn can attest, this is more or less the nature of March Madness. Following their emergence, both schools took easily more than a decade to make their first Final Four appearance. But Syracuse, NY and Bristol, CT are a lot different than Pittsburgh. Those schools are both the only shows in town, and fans there have little choice but to retain interest in the program. With a multitude of national games on TV, a team of talented character guys, and a down year for traditional Big East powers, Pitt has the opportunity to put its program on the map to stay both locally and nationally.

Since the sweet sixteen has been the Panthers’ Achilles heel, I’ll avoid the number and give 15 reasons some for casual fans, some for season ticket holders, to be excited about the upcoming season:

1) Aaron Gray: The Big East pre-season Player of the Year, a 7-0 monster in the middle and the personification of what Pitt’s program is all about. Gray was an unheralded recruit from Emmaus, PA who saw limited minutes in his first two seasons, backing up the highly touted Chris Taft. Finally given the opportunity to start last year, Gray shed 30 lbs. from his freshman frame and averaged 13.9 points and 10.5 rebounds per game, earning him first-team all-conference honors. This summer, Gray eschewed a likely spot in the first round of the NBA draft to return to Pitt for the chance to win a national championship.

2) One for Maggie: Last March, Pitt coach Jamie Dixon and his younger sister Maggie were quite the story. The same month Jamie led the Pitt to the NCAA men’s tournament, 28 year-old Maggie led Army to the women’s NCAA tournament, the first time siblings had ever accomplished such a feat. Three weeks later, Maggie passed away suddenly from a heart arrhythmia; an event her brother admits still never fully leaves his mind. What a testament to her memory a Final Four appearance would be.

3) The Schedule: Every year Pitt gets seeded lower than expected in the NCAA tournament, and the committee’s justification is always the same: weak out of conference schedule. This year, Pitt finally took heed. In addition to the Western Michigan’s and Delaware State’s of the world, Pitt is also playing at top-ten ranked Wisconsin and up-and-coming Oklahoma State. In February, the Panthers will also play host to Pac-10 power Washington in the rare out of conference game after the new year.

4) College Game-Day: The new-to-basketball ESPN institution makes its first stop at the Petersen Events Center for the January 13, 2007 contest against Georgetown. Now that’s big-time, baby.

5) Mike Cook: The junior transfer from East Carolina has been fantastic in pre-season play, filling a slight weakness at small forward. Cook is a solid defender and an explosive slasher offensively, with the ability to finish better in transition than any Panther since…since…well, it’s been a while.

6) The National Anthem: If you’re fortunate enough to attend a Pitt game this season, make sure you watch the Panthers during the National Anthem. Rather than stoically resting their hands at their sides, Pitt’s players stand in line and wrap their around each other’s shoulders, essentially creating one giant bear hug. It’s a great exemplification of the type of chemistry that recent Panther teams have been known for.

7) Fashion Statement: Recently promoted top-assistant Orlando Antigua is a former Pitt stand-out from the early 90s. Antigua played three seasons of his career with a bullet lodged in his skull, the after-effects of a high school shooting. Following graduation, Antigua became the first Harlem Globetrotter of Latin descent, earning the nickname “Hurricane.” If that’s not enough, he’s known to wear a bow-tie when he coaches.

8) The Oakland Zoo: Yes, they idiotically called Chris Quinn a pussy last year. Yes, they sometimes get a little too quiet when Pitt plays sluggishly. However, there’s a reason opposing players rank the Petersen Events Center the toughest place to play in the Big East, and the Pitt student section is a big part of that. The fact that six year’s ago Pitt was playing in a dated building with lackluster attendance makes the crowd’s impact that much more spectacular.

9) New Coaches: There was genuine concern among Panthers fans when long-time assistants Joe Lombardi and Barry Rohrssen departed to take head-coaching jobs elsewhere. Rohrssen, a holdover from the Howland days was particularly seen as a big loss, given his recruiting ties to the New York area. Yet the Panthers wisely hired Mike Rice, Jr. and David Cox to fill out the staff. The effects of Rice with his connections to Philadelphia and Cox with his connections to Washington, DC were already felt in the 2007 recruiting class, the Panthers most geographically balanced in a long time.

10) Not Your Older Brother’s Offense: In recent years, Pitt’s offense has been a deliberate half-court set looking to work the shot clock for a high-percentage shot. With quick low post-men and better outside shooters, this Panthers team has the ability to give a multitude of looks offensively, and perhaps even run a high-octane attack if necessary.

11) O Fortuna: Interesting choice in music, but I guess I can roll with it…

12) Sam Young on the Fast Break: Think of him as the Big East’s version of Josh Smith, the Atlanta Hawks guard that some pro basketball writers dub “the best YouTube worthy player in the NBA.” If you saw Young on the street, you’d never believe the athletic gifts he possesses, but listen to the palpable murmur of anticipation in the home crowd sometime as he runs down the wing during a two-on-one break. Simply electrifying.

13) All About the Walk-Ons: With the graduation of crowd favorite Charles Small, the Oakland Zoo will have to find a new bench player to cheer for once the Panther lead gets out of hand. The early line on this favors newcomer Geoff Rizk.

14) Fundamentals: In a college game that’s revolving more and more around dunks and three-point shooting, it’s nice to watch a team that stakes its reputation on defense, rebounding and passing. Or, as Jamie Dixon says “our goal is to out-rebound the opposition by ten and hold them under 40% shooting. If we do that we’re pretty confident we’ll come out on top.”

15) The Quest for #1: The Panthers have never been ranked first in the country in any poll at any point in their history. Twice in 2002-03 they got to #2, but lost one-point games on the road that cost them the top spot. A strong start to the season gives the Panthers a good shot at the mark; and if they don’t make it their during the regular season, they’ll just have to win the national championship in March.

Monday Morning Juice

Another week, another blown second-half lead for official North O Forbes quarterback Juice Williams and his Illinois Fighting Illini, this week falling to Purdue 42-31. The Illini held a 23-14 lead with six minutes to go in the third quarter before the Boilermakers ran off touchdowns on four consecutive possessions to take a 42-23 lead and effectively end the game. Juice continued to struggle with his passing, going 8-for-29 for 95 yards, 0 TDs and 1 INT, however, he was a force on the ground, gaining 145 yards on 22 carries and a score.

Next week, Juice gets his last chance for a win as the official North O Forbes QB, as Illinois closes out its season with a 1:00 game at Northwestern.

This Could Get Ugly

What's Gotten Into This Pizza?

I'm posting this video in anticipation of what might happen tomorrow afternoon at Heinz Field. The defending Super Bowl champion Steelers are in danger of falling to 2-7 by losing to a New Orleans Saints team that is notoriously less physical than the levees protecting the 9th Ward. Yes, by Sunday dinner we really may be desperately searching for things to smile about.

Xploding on the Scene

First of all, I'd like to clear up any rumors you might have heard. Yes, there is a professional basketball team in Pittsburgh and yes, they are actually called the Xplosion. (Apparently, ABA franchises follow the WNBA trend of dropping a letter from the nickname, as opposed to the late 80s NBA trend of names taking on the singular form (see Heat, Miami and Magic, Orlando), but I digress). Anyway, the Xplosion finished with a winning record last season and made a decent playoff run. Unfortunately for them, no one in Pittsburgh paid attention.

In direct response to this problem, the team embarked on an off-season mission to sign any and every available player with even the smallest connection to western Pennsylvania. So far the Xplosion's haul includes Schenley High School and Kent State alum Nate Gerwig, former Pitt Panthers Jaron Brown and Chris Seabrooks, former Duquesne guard Bryant McAlister, and WVU alumni Drew Schifino and (gasp!) Kevin Pittsnogle. Personally, I'm surprised the Xplosion weren't scouting PSL Basketball games.

Clearly though, character wasn't a requisite characteristic when the Xplosion over-hauled their roster. Seabrooks was a highly rated recruit who got into a few fights on campus was evnetuially kicked off the team. Schifino was the Mountaineers leading scorer before he was kicked off the team for undisclosed reasons. And Kevin Pittsnogle, well, as everyone knows he committed the most egregious offense by serving corn dogs and Domino's pizza at his wedding reception, the posting these pictures online. Needless to say, I am so disappointed the team doesn't have a beat writer this season.

God Bless YouTube, Week 15

Election Day

Happy Election Day. On this special Tuesday, we bring you an appropriately themed GBYT with this commercial for Bob Corker, Tennessee candidate for the US Senate. This ad caused quite a firestorm nationally, centering around the blond woman from the "Playboy Mansion," who requests in a hushed, seductive voice for Corker's black opponent Harold Ford, Jr. to call her. The accusations of race-bating were every political talking-heads wet dream, and dominated the cable news channels...until Marty McFly decided to "skip his meds." Really though, we're not as much concerned with the Playboy Bunny as we are why the fuck that one guy is wearing camo face paint.

Monday Morning Juice

Well, I'm not sure what to make of the official North O Forbes QB today. Juice Williams and the Illinois Fighting Illini, heavy underdogs to top-ranked Ohio State, gave the Buckeyes their closest game of the year, losing 17-10. Coming into the afternoon, OSU hadn't won any game by fewer than 17 points, including a 24-7 romp against fourth-ranked and defending national champion Texas. Sadly though, Juice had little to do with the final outcome. On the positive side, the Illini defense that beat up the potent Ohio State offense, holding Buckeyes QB and Heisman favorite Troy Smith to just 138 yards of total offense. Yet with Illinois down 17-0 heading into the fourth quarter, head coach Ron Zook benched the official North O Forbes QB in favor of back-up Tim Brasic. Brasic promptly led the Illini to a pair of scoring drives, that made the end of the game interesting at least. Juice's final stats were 8-of-20 for 77 yards with 0 TDs and 0 INTs with 13 rushing yards on four attempts.

Next Saturday, Juice looks again to get his first North O Forbes QB win when Illinois hosts Purdue at noon.

The Adrian Peterson Watch

Well, that talk of back-to-back Super Bowls didn't last long, did it? Yesterday's six turnover masterpiece against the Denver Broncos essenitally eliminated the Steelers from playoff contention. Even if the black and gold run the table the rest of the way(stop snickering) their early season struggles have put them on the short end of virtually every tie-breaker. But fear not Steeler fans, there is at least one good reason to keep watching games this season.

Down at the good old University of Oklahoma, there's a junior running back from Palestine, Texas who goes by the name of Adrian Peterson. Peterson is a 6'2" 225 lbs. workhorse with unheard of speed (a 4.35 40 time) for a player his size. During his senior year in high school, many recruiting services called Peterson the best high-school recruit in the last decade. His college career has largely lived up to these loft expectations. In two and a half seasons with the Sooners, Peterson has rushed for nearly 4,000 yards, including 39 touchdowns with an average of 5.4 yards per carry. As a freshman in 2004, Peterson was the runner-up to Matt Leinart for the Heisman Trophy. If, as expected, he enters the NFL Draft this spring, Peterson is a likely top-five pick.

In case you couldn't tell Peterson is an ideal fit for the Pittsburgh offense, which, despite the flirtation with the no-huddle, and the glitz and glamour of Willie Parker, works best with a bigger back who can wear down defenses with 25-30 carries a game. Now getting Peterson in a Steelers jersey isn't going to be easy. There are a lot of bad teams itching to add a running back of this caliber to their roster, and even if the Steelers are in position to pick Peterson, there's a good chance they'll opt for an offensive lineman or linebacker or some other non-skill position. Still, there are eight games remaining this season, and with enough fumbled kick-off returns, red-zone interceptions and cornerbacks being burned for big plays, I think the Steelers can make this dream a reality. The drive for six may be dead, but the drive for Adrian Peterson is alive and well.

God Bless YouTube, Week 14

Norbit

For a while now I've been hearing this rumor that once upon a time, no one was funnier than Eddie Murphy. He was the pinnacle of comedy and the height of cool all rolled into one, and strong legion of loyal adoring fans helped make him one of the highest paid entertainers in the world.

I imagine those fans remember Eddie Murphy’s prime like a marooned sailor remembers his home; it’s a distant memory that with every passing day feels more and more like a dream. I say this in light of the above preview for Murhpy’s new movie Norbit, which looks like a horrific clusterfuck between his character in Bowfinger and Martin Lawrence's in Big Momma’s House. I’m at a loss as to why this movie was ever made, although, I suppose it’s possible Eddie Murphy needs the paycheck to help out another poor, lost, helpless transvestite.

Monday Morning Juice

Yeah, I know we're a day late with this but blogger was crawling yesterday, and it took us forever to finish up the Roethlisberger piece. Anyway, it is with bitter disapointment that we report that official North O Forbes quarterback Juice Williams and the Illinois Fighting Illini dropped another heartbreaker this weekend, 30-24 at Wisconsin. In what remains a distrubing pattern, the Illini raced out to a 24-10 halftime lead on the 17th ranked and once beaten Badgers, before surrendering 20 unanswered points in a listless final two quarters. Juice was solid if not spectacular in defeat, going 13-of-29 passing for 171 yards, 1 TD and 1 INT, as well as rushing for 53 yards on 19 carries.

Since gaining official North O Forbes QB status, Williams and his teammates have gone 0-4, leading three of those games at the half, and losing the other on a last second field goal. If there's any time to break the streak it's next week, when Illinois hosts undefeated and #1 ranked Ohio State. If Juice and his boys pull this off we'll...we'll...well, we're not sure what we'll we do, but we'll definitely be very excited.

In Defense of Big Ben

Three damn yards. With no time on the clock yesterday, Ben Roethlisberger completed a hail Mary pass to Nate Washington that ended up three yards short of the endzone. Final score: Raiders 20, Steelers 13. Now, a team with pre-season Super Bowl aspirations just lost to a team whom many experts thought might go winless. Yet in a lot of ways, those three yards have exemplified the season for the now 2-5 and last place Pittsburgh Steelers.

I'm not savy enough to pin-point specifically what's ailing the team. If I did, I could probably charge the Steelers Duce Staley's salary for the information. Hell, they could pay me that amount to take some crappy Polaroid pictures of the team, and I'd be doing more for them than Duce. Anyway, I do want to speak on Ben Roethlisberger. Yesterday was, especially considering the opponent, Ben's worst performance as a Steeler. Unfortunately, most of his other games that would compete for that title have come this season. Still, I have a big problem with the national media saying that Bill Cowher should be starting Charlie Batch. Last night at halftime on NBC, Sterling Sharp implied that going with Batch was an absolute must. Amazingly, Peter King, probably the most prominent football writer in America seconded Sharp's opinion in his Monday Morning Quarterback column this morning.

I think Sterling Sharp's an idiot and King has slurped one too many of those fucking venti hazelnut lattes. First of all, as close as the Steelers are to being 5-2 as opposed to 2-5, they have virtually no chance to make the playoffs. Charlie Batch is a fine back-up, maybe even among the best in the league, but the Steelers long-term future hinges in the continued development of Ben Roethlisberger. I would much rather the Steelers lose one or two more games this season and get Ben back on track, than pad the win total with Batch behind center and have an uncertain QB situation heading into 2007.

Also, there's no guarantee that Charlie Batch will be THAT much better than Roethlisberger. Granted, I imagine Batch wins the game yesterday, but the national media is touting Chaz based on a very small sample size. In essentially six quarters of play, Batch has completed 24-of-39 passes for 5 TDs and 0 INTs. Impressive numbers to say the least. However, those stats have come against a 1-6 Miami Dolphins team, and an Atlanta Falcons defense that was so under-manned up front, it was routinely putting eight or nine guys in the box. In two quarters of that same game, Roethlisberger riddled the Atlanta secondary to the tune of 16-of-22 for 238 yards and 3 TDs, in what easily would have been a career day were it not for Chauncey Davis's helmet. In both of his appearances this season, opposing team's found out less than a week before the game that Batch would be getting the nod. As Tommy Maddox can attest, that doesn't necessarily guarantee success. Yet one would naturally assume that Batch's numbers might regress after teams game-plan specifically for him.

In his short career, the biggest concern I have with Big Ben is his alarming tendency to get hurt. However, that does give a nice amount of data to analyze how he plays when coming off of an injury. In two and a half seasons, Roethlisberger has been hurt approximately six times, missing six games in the process. The injury count factors in the two times (broken thumb, concussion) he did not miss a start, and counts the off-season motorcycle accident/appendectomy as one incident. Anyway, in here are the stat lines in Roethlisberger's first game after getting hurt

January 15, 2005: Steelers 20, Jets 17: 17-of-30, 180 yards, 1 TD 2 INT
October 27, 2005: Steelers 27, Bengals 13: 9-of-14, 93 yards, 2 TDs, 1 INT
November 28, 2005: Colts 26, Steelers 7: 17-of-33, 133 yards, 1 TD, 2 INT
December 4, 2005: Bengals 38, Steelers 31: 29-of-41, 386 yards, 3 TD, 3 INT
September 18, 2006: Jaguars 9, Steelers 0: 17-of-31, 141 yards, 0 TD, 2 INT
October 29, 2006: Raiders 20, Steelers 13: 25-of-37, 301 yards, 1 TD, 4 INT

The Steelers have gone 2-4 in these games, while Roethlisberger has thrown 9 TDs against 14 INTs, while averaging 205 yards on 19-of-31 passing. Throw out these games, and, including the playoffs, Roethlisberger has a 26-6 record and an impressive TD (41) to INT (25) ratio. Fudge this data a little more to take into account the first three games following the accident/appendectomy combo (by far his worst injury), and the numbers swell to 26-4 with 41 TDs and just 20 INTs. In other words, Ben tends to suck when coming off of an injury, which is a shame because he tends to get hurt a lot. That said, the frequency of his injuries may also skew the data a little bit. Undoubtedly, some of these bad performances had as much to do with facing a good defense as they did with rustiness or soreness.

(This is really the subject for another post, but...The same people calling for Batch are also the same people who call Roethlisberger nothing more than a good game manager who are the same people who go down on Bill Cowher for his record when leading at halftime. The biggest critique of Ben as game manager not game-breaker are his poor stats when he attempting over 25 passes. Although this is really a subject for another post, in many of his 28 wins as a starter, Roethlisberger has put up an electric first-half, giving the Steelers a sizable lead. Under Cowher's philosophy, he becomes little more than an assembly-line worker for the next 30 minutes, handing off the ball on every offensive play. While boring, this brand of football probably has something to do with the fact that Cowher has lost exactly two games during his career when leading at any time by more than ten points. Conservative? Probably. Effective? Absolutely. Evidence that Roethlisberger is a game manager, not a superstar? Absolutely not.)

The essence of all of this is that Roethlisberger has to be the starting QB when the Steelers take the field against the Broncos this Sunday. Even if he matches his performance against the Raiders, he needs to be the starter the week after as well. Although, and I'm not really sure why I think this, I suppose there is a chance he might get hurt.

Shaquille O'Neal Is No Chris Hansen

For all we know, Dateline NBC reporter Chris Hansen may be short, scrawny and a mess on the basketball court. However, there is at least one area where the brains behind the show's "Online Predators" segment has it all over perennial NBA All-Star and future hall-of-famer Shaquille O'Neal (besides free-throws that is).

O'Neal, who aspires to be a police officer after he retires, spends his off-seasons helping out in the Bedford (Virginia) County Police Department. Earlier this fall it seems, Shaq was part of a botched raid that intended to take out a child pornography ring. Although O'Neal has playfully denied the report, A.J. Nuckols, whose home was mistakenly ransacked by police, confirmed in a telephone interview that he heard the former MVP was in his home. In a published letter to the Chatham Star Tribune, Nuckols, a Gretna, VA native also wrote:

"[The raid] scared me and my family beyond description. I was held at gunpoint and the home was ransacked by a paramilitary search-and-seizure team. Men ran at me, dropped into shooting position, double-handed semiautomatic pistols pointed at me, and made me put my hands against my truck."

The sheriff's department denies Nuckols characterization of the incident, although they have not confirmed or discredit Shaq's presence. The department also blames the incident on an internet service provider, who gave them the wrong IP address of the suspected kiddy porn user.

When Phil Jackson left the Lakers in 2004, O'Neal said he was the only coach he wanted to play for. If Shaq is smart, there is only one coach he should want to help him get better at snuffing out child pornography rings.

God Bless YouTube, Week 13

Stan Live with Elton John

I tend to vehemently disagree with people who think we've changed as a culture since 9/11. Then, I watch this video from the February 2001 Grammy Awards and I'm not so sure.

Buccigrossisms

As I discussed earlier, we here at North O Forbes are big fans of ESPN's John Buccigross. He's a local guy, his weekly NHL column is a must-read, and he's one of the better SportsCenter anchors around. That said, calling the action on SC, he does have one slightly annoying tendency. Every once and a while, when an athlete makes a particularly outstanding play, Buccigross feels the need to compare him or her to a musician in a chic band. For example, let's say David Ortiz hits a walk-off homer. Buccigross might announce the highlight as something like this: "And just as James Mercer is to The Shins, so is David Ortiz to the Boston Red Sox." Yeah, it doesn't make much sense to me either.

However, I don't think the music and sports analogies are a completely lost cause. In fact, were Buccigross ever to appear on one of those SportsCentury features for ESPN Classic, here are ten comparisons he could effectively use:

In no particular order...

1) As Freddie Mercury is to Queen, so is Magic Johnson to the Los Angeles Lakers.

2) As David Crosby is to CSNY, so is Darryl Strawberry to the New York Mets.

3) As Screamin' Jay Hawkins is to Cow Fingers & Mosquito Pie , so is Shawn Kemp to the Seattle Supersonics .

4) As Duane Allman is to the Allman Brothers, so is Ben Roethlisberger to the Pittsburgh Steelers.

5) As Jerry Garcia is the Grateful Dead, so is Darryl Kile to the St. Louis Cardinals.

6) As Clay Aiken is to the American Idol Tour, so is Mike Piazza to the New York Mets.

7) As Curtis Mayfield is to The Impressions, so is Mike Utley to the Detroit Lions.

8) As Ronnie Van Zandt is to Lynyrd Skynyrd, so is Cory Lidle to the New York Yankees.

9) As Kurt Cobain is to Nirvana, so is Terrell Owens to the Dallas Cowboys.

10) As John Lennon is to the Beatles, so is Andres Escobar to the Colombian National Soccer Team.

Monday Morning Juice

As discussed yesterday, official North O Forbes QB Juice Williams and the Illinois Fighting Illini nearly pulled of the upset at Penn State Saturday, before eventually falling 26-12. Despite leading at halftime 9-3, and keeping his team within striking distance for most of the game, this was not one of Juice's better performances. Williams was 13-of-33 passing for 156 yards with no TDs and 2 costly INTs. Perhaps even more disheartening was the Juice's 5 yards rushing on 19 attempts. Regardless, he still led his offense to more points than his counterpart, Nittany Lions QB Anthony Morelli. All said, not terrible for a true freshman playing against a top defense on the road.

Things don't get any easier for the 2-6 Illini, as next Saturday they travel to Wisconsin for a noon game against the Badgers.

Some Weekend

Well, that pretty much sucked. To use the parlance of our region, Pitt football screwed the pooch in its biggest game of the year, losing at home to Rutgers Saturday night. Official North O Forbes quarterback Juice Williams and his Illinois Fighting Illini came this close to pulling against the Nursing Home of State College tackle football team (more on that tomorrow). Andy Van Slyke's quest to win a ring before Barry Bonds took an unexpected sidetrack. And then there's the Steelers. If I'm going to make good on my early season pledge and enjoy my dinner this evening, then I'm just not ready to talk about the Steelers.

Happy fucking Monday, everyone.

God Bless YouTube, Week 12

Ditka

Before you call this juvenile, just bear with me. I know it's tempting to ignore the beginning of this clip. After all, it's just some dude filming his television with a video camera. Pretty lame.

But I beg of you, listen closely to the guy's accent as he introduces the video. "Dis is Mike Ditka, faahrting," he says, sounding EXACTLY like George Wendt in the classic "Bill Swerski's Superfans" skit from SNL. Also, if you look closely, you can tell it's a Tivo'd ESPN NFL Live broadcast. The current date on the guy's digital cable is July 2, or almost 6 months after the end of the show's season.

All I'm really saying is thanks to YouTube we know there's a guy who lives in Chicago, talks with this accent, and has kept a clip of Mike Ditka's flatulence on his television's hard drive for more than half a year.

Okay, so maybe it's a little juvenile.

Well, That Was Incredibly Mediocre

There was one clear upside to the postponement of last night's NLCS Game 5: an extra 24 hours to process Sunday night's pitching performance of one Oliver Perez. Perez got the win in the Mets' 12-5 victory, but his overall line on the night was underwhelming at best. He pitched 5 and 2/3 innings, giving up five earned runs on nine hits while (three of them home runs), while striking out three and walking one. In total, Oli threw 92 pitches l (high for his inning count), with only 56 of them going for strikes. His ERA for the game was a horrific 7.94.

Not surprisingly, these results are right on par with Perez's regular season statistics. Having watched this incarnation of Oli pitch up close and personal for a season and a half, I would say there's a pretty consistent pattern to how he operates. Out of every four starts, one of them will be excellent (like when he went toe-to-toe with Johan Santana in June), one of them will be horrific (the aforementioned rain delay game against San Diego), and two of them will be middling (like the one Sunday night). The upshot of all of this? A 3-13 record and an ERA of 6.55.

The particularly amusing thing about Sunday's game was the praise showered on Perez by the national media (ie ESPN) after the game. Sports Center anchor Neil Everett called Oli's display "gutty, " while Baseball Tonight analyst Steve Phillips was enamored with the fact that Perez kept his team in the game, and pitched well enough to win. He even tossed out the adjective "great." To buttress his argument, Phillips cited New York's Steve Trachsel, who the evening before gave up five earned runs in just one inning pitched. The Mets lost that game 5-0.

Just to be clear, New York's offense scored 12 runs during the time Perez was in the game. Middle of the order hitters Carlos Beltran and Carlos Delgado went a combined five-for-seven with three home runs and seven RBIs. So what Steve Phillips is saying is that for a pitcher to be considered great, all he needs are two All-Stars hitters in his line-up performing at their peak level, and, to not to be Steve Trachsel. Tell me again, why exactly did the Mets fire him as their general manager?

Monday Morning Juice

Despite the finest efforts of official North O Forbes quarterback Juice Williams, the Illinois fighting Illini fell 20-17 to the University of Ohio Bobcats Saturday night. This marks the third consecutive Illini game that's come down to a last second field goal. Once again, you can't hang this loss on Juice as he completed 16 of 34 passes for 186 yards and two touchdowns, and also ran for 96 yards on 17 attempts. Next week, Williams and his teammates travel just four hours North O Forbes for a noon contest at Penn State.

Does anyone else want to be in the room when Joe Paterno finds out the first name of his opponent's starting QB?

Earning that Champagne Celebration

The New York Mets spent every day of the 2006 regular season in first place. They finished with a record of 97-65, tied for best in the league. They swept the Dodgers in the Division Series, and took Game 1 of the NLCS from St. Louis. However, the Cardinals have stormed back to take the last two games, including a 5-0 shutout yesterday evening. Facing a potentially devastating three games to one hole, and with their season essentially on the line, guess who the Mets are sending to the mound on Sunday night? Yup, it's everyone's favorite WFTIPS flame-out Oliver Perez.

"It wasn't a long decision. We needed a fourth starter, and he pitched well for us this year," manager Willie Randolph told the Associated Press. "We like his stuff. It was down to either him or Dave Williams, and we felt like he was the guy that would give us a quality start."

I don't know what stuns me more, the fact that Perez is starting tonight, or the fact that the other option was Dave freaking Williams. For those of you who are unaware, Williams is also a former Pirates product, whom management deemed expendable last off-season. The feeling was that the team had a "bevy" of more "talented" pitchers and therefore could afford to cut him loose. Despite the Buccos 67-95 record this year, it was still the right call.

No matter what happens this evening, my life as a Pirates fan may never be the same.

The Saga Begins

Last fall was bad. I had just graduated from college with a liberal arts degree in American Culture. I was unemployed. I was single. I was living with my parents. The last thing I could afford to do was spend money to see a losing hockey team. Yet night after night, I found myself standing for an hour in the freezing cold of the student rush line, breath showing, fingers slowly going numb, ready to clunk down another $20 for a Penguins ticket.

So why did I habitually blow my cash on the worst team in the NHL? Well, you know how when the Power Ball Jackpot hits $100 million, there are suddenly all of these seemingly rational people who run over other customers at the gas stations in order to drop half of their paychecks on tickets? (If you don’t, you clearly need to watch more of your local news). Anyway, those people in line at the gas station…that was me with the Penguins last season.

Let me explain further. Most of the time, you were likely to see a stink bomb of a game at Mellon Arena. My favorite example was a Pens-Rangers contest in early November, back when there was still a modicum of hope the team could turn the season around. A rocking sell-out crowd, booing every time Jaromir Jagr touched the puck, saw the Pens get outshot 41-21, beaten to every loose puck and take bad penalty after bad penalty. Final score: Rangers 6, Penguins 1, with a Jagr hat-trick, including two goals 15 seconds apart to boot.

Yet every once and a while, everything clicked. Crosby scored that magical shootout winner against the Canadians, then badly outplayed rival Alexander Ovechkin in a Penguins vs. Capitals match-up a few weeks later. Twice the team exploded for six goals, thrashing future Hall-of-Famer Martin Brodeur, and the New Jersey Devils. Countless times they scored late goals to tie the score, only to lose in overtime. Those games were the winning Power Ball ticket, the golden sheet of paper inside the Willy Wonka Bar, and the chance that you were holding a winner when you clunked down your $20 right before face off, well, that’s what kept me coming back game after game. The Penguins were a unique 58 point team, in that they were so young, but also so talented. At least once a game, and sometime for a whole game they gave you a glimpse of what they might become.

I was reminded of that feeling as we pulled into the Mellon Arena parking lot last Thursday night, opening night on the 2006-2007 Pittsburgh hockey season: Penguins vs. Flyers. This year, Karasic, Zavo and I had a special guest in our midst: Karasic’s girlfriend Meghann. I know, I know…I’m impressed to, a girl that wanted to come with us to a hockey game. It’s even more remarkable considering she witnessed my Defcon-4 meltdown following Bettis’s fumble in the AFC Divisional Playoffs. Not my proudest moment.

Anyway, here’s what I’ll remember about this year’s game…

…A feeling of optimism as you entered the arena. You gotta love opening day. Even for a team coming off five straight losing seasons and with modest expectations, there were posters, jerseys, caps and tee-shirts wherever you looked. Hell, even a guy over fifty (who may or may not have been Karasic’s dad) was willing to get the Penguins logo painted on his cheek. Now, that’s commitment.

…Section D26. We were fortunate enough to be seated in front of a group of yinzers who had obviously been tailgating since breakfast. They made it a point to call out the one Flyers fan in our section, and also lead everyone in a raucous chorus of “D-26…D-26…D-26.” It was much better in person, but you get the idea. Also, a special shout-out to the guy behind me. When an Asian fan in black and gold body paint was shown dancing on the jumbotron, he yelled “Where have you gone, Jim Paek?!” Hey, I said they were funny, not PC.

… Michelle Ouellet’s goal. Opening minutes of the game, Pens looking like garbage, Philly completely controlling the tempo of the game…and suddenly there’s a loose puck in front of the Flyers net…and Michelle Ouellet is pouncing on it…and he’s wristing one towards the goal…and THE RED LIGHT IS FLASHING…1-0 PENGUINS! Up until that point, the game looked like so many disasters from last season. Ouellett’s score got the curbed the Flyers momentum and got the crowd back into the contest.

…Ten freaking penalties. While perhaps one or two of the Penguins slip-ups were questionable calls, it’s hard to argue the legitimacy of most of them. What’s particularly frustrating is many of them are the result of the same syndrome: poor defensive positioning. Even with an upgrade in personnel, the Pens still get beaten into their own zone, and as a result, have to hook and hold to catch up. They were fortunate it didn’t come back to haunt them in this game though, because of…

…The penalty-killing. Sweet Jesus, what an improvement in this area, even if it’s only one game. Give new GM Ray Shero a big hand for improving this area in the off-season. New players like Jarko Ruutu and Dominic Moore earned their pay-checks by never letting Philly gain any momentum on the power play. Ruutu was particularly adept at blocking shots, something that’s a premium on the PK in the new NHL (see Sabres, Buffalo). Meanwhile, Moore won a ton of face-offs, both short-handed and at even strength. Have the Penguins had a reliable face-off guy since Ron Francis? Seriously, have they?

…In-game entertainment. Live actual penguins before the game; Scott Blasey of “The Clarks” signing the National Anthem; an arena-wide karaoke sing-along to Journey’s Don’t Stop Believing (where 16, 957 voices cracked trying to hit the high-note on “born and raised in South Detroit). Talk about a team that knows what gets their fan-base fired up.

…How much I hate the Flyers. Trailing 4-0 in the second period, Philly realized it wasn’t going to be their night. So what do they do? They start making runs at the Penguins. The Nolan Baumgartner skirmish wasn’t so bad, particularly because Colby “Strongarms” kicked his ass. More offensive was Petr Forsberg coming after Sidney Crosby after the whistle had blown. You think Forsberg was just jealous because he can no longer score goals as pretty as the one Sid the Kid ripped by Esche a few minutes earlier? Yeah, I do too.

…That there are no adjectives left to describe Sidney Crosby. He’s bigger, quicker and stronger on the puck this season. Add to that the fact that he’s already scoring goals on reputation. Early in the second period, Crosby broke down the left side with the puck. Fearing a dazzling cross ice pass, Esche froze in the center of the goal, giving Sid just enough space to laser a shot into the corner of the net. That’s respect that gave Crosby the hole to shoot on. That’s pure talent that he buried it.

…The dawn of a new Penguins saying. Poor John Leclair; he actually had a pretty fair game against his old club. However, every time he touched the puck in the offensive zone, and later anywhere on the ice, either Karasic or I would quip, “Malkin probably buries that.”

…The fans in the third period. Really, the sell-out crowd was in top form for the whole game, but the last 20 minutes took it to a new level. The environment was like the student section of a college football game, with lots of “Let’s go Pens!” and “Go home Flyers!” chants which shook the rafters of the 45 year-old Mellon Arena. I even ripped off the Oakland Zoo and got the about 15 people near me to serenade the Flyers with “This is practice,” in the game’s closing minutes. Imaginative? No, not particularly; but it’s more people than have ever gone along with one of my cheers before, so let me have my moment in the sun. And finally, I’ll remember…

…Marc-Andre Fleury. More than any young prospect on this Penguins team, Fleury is most representative of the roster as a whole. Crosby is an institution at 18. Guys like Ryan Whitney and Armstrong have the potential to be great, but won’t break the franchise if they don’t develop. Fleury’s career epitomizes that Power Ball, Golden Ticket phenomenon. He’s brilliant one minute, horrific the next, but always with enough potential to keep you coming back; and for the 60 minutes when he puts it all together…watch out. After a weak start to training camp, there was talk about Fleury splitting time with Jocelyn Thibault, or worse starting the season in the minors. Here’s hoping the 40 save shut-out performance on opening night is him taking the starting job by the throat and never looking back. I’m sure there are 16, 957 people that will never question why the Penguins took him first overall ever again.

Well, what can I say except I’m hooked again. I have a part-time job this fall, but now there’s a lease and all the subsequent expense that go with an apartment. So if you see me at Mellon Arena this fall, ready to blow money I don’t have on tickets to a Penguins game, don’t even try to stop me. Trust me, it’s not worth it. And in case the fact that this column has spiraled to over 1,500 words didn’t give it away, I am, in fact, still single.

Does Ozzie Guillen Get Free Slurpies Now?

I used to be violently opposed to the ever-growing orgy between corporate sponsorship and the sports world. However, in the last couple years, my position has softened. Perhaps it's because I realized the force pulling the two together is unbreakable, kind of like whatever it was that held Excalibur into that giant slab of rock. I'm sure in a few years my favorite teams will have replaced the logos on the front of their jersey's with ads for Wonderbread. At this point though, I'm okay with it. Really.

So it is not with poisinous disgust, but rather light amusement that I regard this story from Chicago. It seems the White Sox are bumping up the start of their home games by four minutes, to 7:11 p.m. as part of a three-year deal with the convenience store of the same name. Although financial figure were not disclosed, a White Sox spokesmen said he expects the team to re-invest the revenue into the team's payroll or to make improvements on the ballpark.

"Every time the media announces the game's start time it will be a gentle reminder of our sponsorship," Margaret Chabris, a 7-11 spokeswoman said.

Four minutes seems like a small price to pay for a nice influx of cash. Hell, I'd allow my WFTIPS Pirates to call the starting time for their home games "Uni-Mart" if it meant they could actually afford a left-handed, power-hitting first baseman.

Carl Monday on a Tuesday

With The Daily Show's recent valentine to everyone's favorite investigative reporter, Carl Monday, I thought it was only appropriate at this time to post an updated links section on the "incident."

In case you haven't seen the original clip, well, first of all where the hell have you been, and second of all it can be found here. As always, huge props to Will Leitch and Deadspin for uncovering this. There was also a follow-up report on the Cleveland TV station after Mike Cooper was arrested and arraigned for public indecency.

Two weeks ago, The Daily Show's Jason Jones filed this story, taking a closer look at what it means to be the man in the trench coat. In some ways, the nearly ten minutes of unused footage is even better than what actually made it onto the air.

This spurred some creepy old bald dude to record his thoughts on the whole matter from his basement, and then upload the video onto YouTube. Definitely check out the comments section if you follow the link. The guy also has a blog that's pretty lame.

Although, in fairness, any blog would appear lame when you compare it to Carl Monday's

God Bless YouTube, Week 11

Solla Solla Enna Perumai

For this week's feature, a simple math equation: Bollywood + Scarface+ Saturday Night Fever = five minutes and fourteen seconds of pure viewing pleasure.

Monday Morning Juice

What a disappointing end for the University of Illinois Fighting Illini and official North O Forbes quarterback Juice Williams this Saturday. On the strength of two Juice touchdown passes, Illinois jumped out to a 25-7 second-quarter lead on Indiana. However, the Hoosiers proceeded to rattle off 24 consecutive points, and eventually took the game, 34-32, on a field goal as time expired. Juice's final line: 10-21 for 190 yards, two touchdowns and zero interceptions, with an additional 53 rushing yards on 10 carries. Next Saturday, Mr. Williams and his boys host the University of Ohio Bobcats. Game time is 7 p.m.

Opening Night

Penguins 4, Flyers 0. Totally fucking speechlees. I'm not sure that words can describe what it feels like to watch your team get outshot 40-21, yet still pulverize its biggest rival on opening night. I'll try and come up with something more articulate and meaningful to say in the next couple days. Really, I don't have the energy left right now to process what I just saw. Sidney Crosby is a once in a generation talent and the rightful heir to Lemieux's spot as franchise player. Marc-Andre Fleury resembled Patrick Roy during the 1986 Stanley Cup Finals. The Ruutu-Moore-Ouellet played like a house on fire. Colby Armstrong beat the ever-living piss out of some random Flyer, and it doesn't even matter that I don't know who it was. The jackass deserved it just for putting on that ugly orange and black jersey.

Penguins Preview Part 6: Hitting the Links

When we began this whole endeavor last month, we weren't exactly sure where it was going to take us. With the start of the NHL season a little over six hours away, and the Penguins season a little over thirty hours away, we think this is a good moment to pause and reflect on what we created. We're proud to say we stayed away from the textbook analysis for which we have such disdain, however, we're also not sure that what we came out with was exactly a "preview." Instead, we produced a series of posts that's more likely to get Penguins fans fired up for the upcoming season, rather than informing them of what they migh actually see on the ice. We're okay with that. More than okay with that actually. We'd rather stir you passions, and leave the nitty gritty to the people who actually have media credentials, a worthwhile rolodex and a paycheck to show for their efforts. Efforts we reserve the right to mock when they say something stupid, by the way.

That said, there are plenty of people who are very good at this part of the job, so on this last day of the pre-season, we thought we'd off you loyal readers (all five or six of you) a sampling of what the professional hockey experts are saying about the impending season. After all, it's a big league out there, Penguins fans.

EASTERN CONFERENCE:

ATLANTIC DIVISION:
New Jersey Devils: Newark Star-Ledger
New York Rangers: New York Times
New York Islanders: Newsday
Philadelphia Flyers: Philadelphia Inquirer
Pittsburgh Penguins: Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, Pittsburgh Tribune-Review

NORTHEAST DIVISION:
Boston Bruins: Boston Globe
Buffalo Sabres: Buffalo News
Montreal Canadiens: Montreal Gazette
Ottawa Senators: Ottawa Citizen
Toronto Maple Leafs: Toronto Star

SOUTHEAST DIVISION:
Atlanta Thrashers: Atlanta Journal-Constititution (Free Registration Required)
Carolina Hurricanes: Charlotte Observer
Florida Panthers: Miami Herald
Tampa Bay Lightning: Tampa Tribune
Washington Capitals: Washington Post

WESTERN CONFERENCE:

CENTRAL DIVISION:
Chicago Blackhawks: Chicago Sun-Times
Columbus Blue Jackets: Columbus Dispatch
Detroit Red Wings: Detroit Free Press
Nashville Predators: Nashville Tennessean
St. Louis Blues: St. Louis Post Dispatch

NORTHWEST DIVISION:
Calgary Flames: Calgary Herald
Colorado Avalanche: Denver Post, Rocky Mountain News
Edmonton Oilers: Edmonton Journal
Minnesota Wild: Minneapolis Star Tribune
Vancouver Canucks: Vancouver Sun

PACIFIC DIVISION:
Anaheim Ducks: Orange County Register
Dallas Stars: Dallas Morning News
Los Angeles Kings: Los Angeles Times, Los Angeles Daily News
Phoenix Coyotes: Arizona Republic News
San Jose Sharks: San Jose Mercury News

NATIONAL SITES:

Canada.com has a big overview.

ESPN's Terry Frei offers his predictions for the season, and the whole rest of the carcass of what was once the NHL Tonight Crew offer theirs.

NHL.com's Phil Coffey looks at this year's rookie class while Shawne P. Roarke checks up on last year's crop.

SI.com's Alan Muir has 17 bold predictions, and Scott Wraight provides the season's first power rankings. The magazine also has predicted finishes for the East and West.

Offwing Opinion just has better links than us.

Fox Sports has its own set of power rankings and a list of the best remaining free agents and a list of previews for each team.

Hockeybuzz has a good series of articles, including Eklund's forum on opening day traditions.

CBS Sportline's Wes Goldstein thinks this year will be even better than the the last, and even has his own power rankings.

The Versus Network gives us a schedule of all its nationally broadcast games.

TSN is all over the start of the season.

Finally, what's with the collective fuss about the Phoenix Coyotes?