Penguins Preview Part 4: Memory Lane

For those of you not familiar with the Penguins recent history, or for those of you that follow the team and have smartly blocked out the last five years, here's what you're missing:

May 22, 2001: The New Jersey Devils defeat the Penguins 4-2, winning the Eastern Conference Championship four games to one. The Pens are essentially dominated in the series by a deeper more disciplined New Jersey squad. For weeks after the loss, Mario Lemieux obsesses to the press about the Penguins adopting a “system” a la the Devils. I picture him like Leonardo DiCaprio at the end of The Aviator, kicking around his house after the playoff loss, unshaven, permanently in a bathrobe, muttering to himself the whole time “system…way of the future…system…way of the future.” This phase passes quickly.

July 11, 2001: The Penguins trade Jaromir Jagr and Frantisek Kucera to the Capitals for Kris Beech, Ross Lupaschuk and Michal Sivek. With Jagr’s huge contract and goofy behavior (he told the Post-Gazette he felt like he was “dying alive on the ice”), everyone suspected this deal was coming. The bigger shock was that Jagr ended up on the Capitals not the Rangers as was commonly rumored. In exchange, the Pens received Washington’s top three prospects, all of whom failed to develop. Beech scored bigger off the ice by nailing smoking hot KDKA news anchor Sonni Abatta, every yinzer’s wet dream. Lupaschuk fulfilled the qualification that every package dealt for a superstar has to include one player with an unpronounceable/impossible to spell last name.

October 15, 2001: After losing the first four games of the season, the team fires head coach Ivan Hlinka. Hlinka, the former Czech national team coach, never managed to fully grasp the NHL game or the English language during his season and a half in the league. Fans of the team can no longer look forward to his post-game press-conferences where he answered every question with heavily-accented “UHHHHHHHHHHHH…I dunt knah.” Hlinka is replaced by assistant coach Rick “Chico” Kehoe.

October 28, 2001: Center Martin Straka is carried off the ice after catching his skate in a rut on the ice. The leg is broken, and requires the insertion of a titanium rod in order to be repaired. Straka’s injury is the first major blow to a team that will see its five leading scorers from the previous season miss at least 15 games.

January 2002: After a lengthy absence due to lingering hip injury, Mario Lemieux returns to the action against the Blues. My friends and I scalp tickets in the Kmart Kids Section (think age 12 and under) to witness what is sure to be Mario magic. The karmic payback is a bitch, as Lemieux goes scoreless and St. Louis whips the Penguins 4-1. Shortly after this game, Mario takes time off to rest his hip and prepare for the Salt Lake Olympics. After leading Canada to the gold medal, lingering pain forces him to shut down for the season.

February 2002: Straka’s return from his broken leg is cut short when a high-stick breaks his orbital bone in the first period. He is out for the remainder of the season.

March 2002: With any hope of the playoffs all but gone, the Penguins begin re-building by trading defenseman Darius Kasparaitis to the Avalanche for winger Ville Nieminen. Nieminen is naturally mediocre in his short stint with the Pens, and then injures himself in the off-season by walking through a glass door on his way to a sauna. The accident requires several stitches and while Nieminen does not miss significant time, the “rugged” player never checks a Penguins opponent as hard as he did that door.

April 2002: Boston beats Pittsburgh 7-1, giving the Penguins a final record of 28-41-8-5 and 69 points. It is the first time the team has missed the playoffs since the 1989-90 season.

June 2002: After losing six of seven playoff series to the Penguins in the previous decade, the Capitals continue their motto of “if you can’t beat ‘em, sign all of their best players to over-priced contracts.” Washington signs Penguins center Robert Lang to a multi-year contract in hopes of helping him kick-start Jagr, who finished ‘01-02 with a disappointing 79 points. Despite both of these additions, the Capitals still can’t make it out of the first round of the playoffs.

July 2002: Most likely favoring either his broken tibia or fractured orbital bone, Martin Straka cracks vertebrae in a weight-lifting accident. The skilled-center misses training camp and the start of the regular season. The Elias Sport Bureau confirms that Straka’s three injuries in two games played is, in fact, a new NHL record.

October/November 2002: As with the start of every season, Penguins fans are optimistic with news that Mario Lemieux is in the best shape of his life and the NHL is finally cracking down on obstruction. For the first 20 or so games, both of these actually appear true, as the Penguins storm out to an 11-5-3-3 record. The Lemieux/Alexei Kovalev/Aleksey Morozov led power-play clicks at something like 99.7%, and Johan Hedberg steadies the goaltending situation, displaying his 2001 playoff form.

November/December 2002: No K-Mart seats this time, but again my buddies’ presence dooms the Penguins. Sitting in $60 seats, Matt, Zavo and I watch them drop a 3-2 Thanksgiving-weekend contest to the Bruins. The loss not only snaps a four-game winning streak but is also the first of eight straight losses. In reality, looser officiating and a lack of defensive depth doom the team, but that doesn’t stop Matt from sounding like Will Hunting after the streak hits six. “Its okay, Matt. Say it with me now…it’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.”

February 6, 2003: Out of frustration over his team’s lackluster play, and his perceived disintegration of officiating Mario Lemieux goes berserk on Florida’s Brad Ference. We’re talking De Niro at the end of Taxi Driver here. Lemieux gets a game misconduct, 30 minutes of penalties and unexpected statistical boon to any of his fantasy hockey owners.

February 10, 2003: Middling around the .500 mark, the Penguins trade All-Star winger Alexei Kovalev to the New York Rangers for Rico Fata, Mikael Samuelsson, Joel Bouchard, Richard Lintner, Ronald McDonald, Fu Manchu and a 24 pack of Gatorade. This was the moment fans had the “damn, we’re in for a long rebuilding process.” realization. Kovalev was a fan favorite, always an elite talent who finally blossomed in Pittsburgh. With the Jagr trade in July 2001 it was thought the team might have enough money to re-sign him when his contract expired later that summer. But with no progress on a new arena and the team clearly not a Stanley Cup contender, the Penguins decide to bite the bullet and trade him.

March 2003: At the trade deadline, General Manager Craig Patrick makes something like 800 deals, gutting what was already a carcass of the team that made the 2001 Eastern Conference finals. Among the departed are center Jan Hrdina and goaltender Johan Hedberg. Patrick makes the event even more surreal by proclaiming “say what you will about salary dumps, but I think these moves make us stronger for the stretch run.” Matt and I immediately change the rosters in NHL 2002 to mimic reality and are encouraged when the virtual Penguins run off eleven straight wins as newly-acquired Brian Holzinger begins to challenge for the Art Ross Trophy. When reality does not follow suit, we soon realize that Holzinger’s 85 rating is probably an egregious coding error.

April 2003: Washington defeats the Pittsburgh 5-3, giving the Penguins a final record of 27-44-6-5, good for 63 points. The Pens go 2-17-2 in their last 21 games, easily dropping them into the Atlantic Division cellar. Head coach Rick Kehoe is fired a few days later.

June 11, 2003: The Penguins hire color commentator Ed Olczyk as head-coach. Olczyk, a former player with no previous coaching experience beats out Pirates broadcaster Bob Walk and Steelers sideline reporter Craig Wolfley for the position.

June 21, 2003: In a bold move, the Penguins acquire the first-overall pick in the NHL and use it to select goaltender Marc-Andre Fleury. Seconds after being chosen, Fleury confirms that he is indeed part French, by smooching his girlfriend hard on the lips, then sharing an uncomfortably intimate moment with a male member of his entourage.

October 2003: Fleury starts the home-opener in net, making 45 saves and drawing a standing ovation as the Penguins drop a 3-0 decision to the Los Angeles Kings. Sadly, this represents one of top five moments of the season.

November/December 2003: Firmly in re-building mode, the Pens, led by a group of veteran cast-offs and unheralded rookies struggle through the first part of the season, heading into the New Year with a league-low 25 points. Throughout Pittsburgh, fans begin hoping the trend continues so the team can secure the first overall pick in the entry draft and with it highly-touted prospect Alexander Ovechkin.

January/February 2004: The Penguins seemingly pull away from the field in the quest for the Ovechkin Cup. Fleury is optioned to the minors so the Penguins can avoid paying him his full salary; the rest of the team respond by losing 18 in a row and 22 of 24. The losing streak sets a franchise record for futility.

March/April 2004: In a perfect end to the season, the Pens finish on a 9-3-1 tear, yet still finish 23-47-8-3, good for 57 points and the worst record in the NHL.

April 2004: Despite having the greatest odds of winning the draft lottery, the Penguins lose out on the top pick, and Alexander Ovechkin, to the Washington Capitals. Even though he’s now with the Rangers, I blame Jaromir Jagr. Pittsburgh fans take solace in getting the second-overall pick, and highly regarded prospect Evgeni Malkin, as well as the knowledge that their team will knock Ovechkin out of the playoffs in the first-round at least 14 times in the next 20 years.

August 2004: Ivan Hlinka dies tragically in a car accident near Karlov Vary, Czech Republic. The accident is almost a year to the day after former Penguins head-coach Herb Brooks is killed in auto accident near his home in Minnesota. Geico rejects Rick Kehoe's application for insurance.

Fall 2004: With the players union and owners unable to reach a new Collective Bargaining Agreement, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman cancels the season. Five people, all of whom live in the southern United States, are surprised.

July 21, 2005: After months of on and off negotiations, the NHL players and owners finally reach a labor agreement, meaning there will be hockey in 2005-06.

July 22, 2005: The Penguins win a league-wide lottery receiving the first overall pick in the upcoming entry draft. With the pick come the rights to Sidney Crosby, considered by many the best NHL prospect since Mario Lemieux. The next day’s Pittsburgh Tribune review features a picture of Sidney Crosby on the front page, with the words “WE GOT HIM!!!” splashed above, while the headline immediately to the right reads, in much smaller print “Hundreds in Middle East Die in Earthquake.”

August 2006: With a salary cap and a league-wide cost infrastructure in place the Penguins dive hear-first into the free-agent pool. In less than a month, the team acquires among others forwards Zigmund Palffy and John LeClair, defenseman Sergei Gonchar and goaltender Jocelyn Thibault. Emboldened by the moves, I declare the Penguins closer to a championship than the Steelers.

October 2006: Despite Sidney Crosby playing better than advertised, the Penguins go winless in their first nine games, essentially derailing their season before it can begin. The key culprit in the team’s demise appears to be a lack of team speed, an unexpected commodity under the new NHL rules (see Gionta, Brian). Well, the Pens struggles may also have been related to the fact that they had Steve Poapst, Rob Scuderi and Josef Melichar and Lyle Odelein among their top six defensemen. I’m just saying the two things might be related.

Nov 2006: In the second nationally televised game of his career, Sidney Crosby makes the most of his appearance on the grand stage. After having his tooth chipped with a high-stick by Flyers defenseman Derian Hatcher, Crosby returns to the ice and eventually scores the game-winning goal (1:36 on the montage) on a breakaway in overtime. Only three words can describe the reaction among Penguins fans following the performance: Totally. Fucking. Speechless.

December 2006: Still languishing at the bottom of the league, the Penguins fire head coach Ed Olczyk and replace him with Wilkes Barre-Scranton boss Michel Therrien. Therrien, a noted task-master immediately distinguishes himself from the laid-back Olczyk by calling out his players and referring to his team as “the suck” after a loss to Edmonton.

January 2006: Proving I’m terrible at making predictions, my prognostication that Penguins are closer to a championship than the Steelers is blown to smithereens in just ten short days. In that span, the Steelers win their two biggest games in twenty-six years, qualifying for Super Bowl XL, while the second and third leading scorers on the Penguins retire. The first to call it quits is winger Zigmund Palffy, who is hampered by a lingering shoulder injury—although some question how severe the injury would be if the team was in playoff contention. Then, less than a week later, center/owner and franchise savior Mario Lemieux ends his career because of a recurring irregular heartbeat, one of a myriad of health problems that have plagued him throughout the latter part of his career. Lemieux has not played consistently since November, but it is still a quiet end to a career that was filled with so many loud and boisterous moments.

March 2006: In what is becoming an annual right of spring, general manager Craig Patrick deals his only notable commodity, Mark Recchi, to Carolina for nothing in return, Nikolas Nordgren, Krystofer Kolanos and a 2^nd round draft pick. While rumors rarely come true, Penguins fans were subjected to weeks of talk about names like Jordan Leopold and R.J. Umberger. Both of those players would have cost the team more than just Recchi, but a big move would have at least indicated that Patrick still had a vested interest in bettering the team. This was probably the day fan perception turned on the once infallible GM.

April 2006: In the last home game of the season, Sidney Crosby registers two assists 25 seconds apart, becoming the youngest player in NHL history to score 100 points in a season. Despite an ultimately disappointing season, the now very young Penguins team is given multiple standing ovations throughout the 6-1 over the New York Islanders. Crosby in the team’s final game the next night, finishing with 39 goals, 63 assists and a club record 102 points by a rookie. The Penguins drop the game to the Maple Leafs, 5-3, finishing the season with a record of 22-36-14 and 58 points. It is the fourth consecutive season the team misses the playoffs.

May 2006: The Penguins hire Nashville executive Ray Shero as General Manager, replacing the recently fired Craig Patrick. Shero is the first Penguins GM since 1989 to not have a character based on him in a Disney movie.

Summer 2006:Evgeni Malkin is coming to Pittsburgh. The team is being sold. Evgeni Malkin is not coming to Pittsburgh. The team is being moved. The team is not being sold. Evgeni Malkin is coming to Pittsburgh. The team is being sold. The team is not being moved. Evgeni Malkin is not coming to Pittsburgh. The team is not being sold. Evgeni Malkin is not being sold. The team is moving to Metallurg Magnitogorsk. Fjsjdfjsdklfjfsdfjdsjfksdfjkdf…..

September 2006: After fleeing Russia under clandestine circumstances, Evgeni Malkin finally signs with the Penguins. However, 22 minutes into his first exhibition game, he separates his shoulder in a nasty collision with John LeClair. The incident spawns a million “John LeClair is actually a KGB Agent” jokes and, in response, about 50 irate talk-show calls from the guy who runs John LeClair’s official fan website. Only one really important question emerges: John LeClair has an official fan website?

I was going to write a June 2007 entry where Crosby wins the Hart, Art Ross and Conn Smythe Trophies, Malkin wins the Calder and the team wins the Stanley Cup. But as we’ve already discussed, my karma kills the team and powers of prognostication stink. So let’s pretend I never even had those thoughts. In fact, why am I even telling you this…

The Stingray Surprised Her, Too

So ever since the croc hunter's death, I've restrained myself from commenting about his unfortunate demise. I know, I know, Corky from Life Goes On is fair game, but Steve Irwin isn't? I suppose part of me actually felt bad for the guy, while another part thought, given the cirumstances, he was almost too easy of a target. Besides, who could top Big Daddy Drew from Kissing Suzy Kolber, who opined "at least Steve Irwin died doing what he loved; kind of like if I died masturbating."

However, now comes word from Irwin's widow Jill that the crocodile hunter always thought he would die young, just not at the hands of an animal.

"I never thought it would be an animal, he never thought it would be an animal," Irwin said. "I thought he would fall out of a tree, he thought it would be a car accident."

Ms. Irwin the continues that this preminition has helped the family move past his death because they were already prepared for it. Still, her husband's absence has hit her hard, and she's grieving "every minute of the day."

I mean, what can you say except...she thought he'd die by falling out of a fucking tree???

Penguins Preview Part 3: Buccigross

ESPN's John Buccigross unveiled his annual NHL Eastern Conference preview today. As many of you know, Buccigross is a Pittsburgh-native who always manages to show the home-team some extra love. The article is an excellent read, and a reminder of what we're missing out on now that the "World Wide Leader" is no longer in the hockey business.

God Bless YouTube, Week 9

Andy Rooney

The mid-term elections are less than two months away and the talking heads on TV are gearing up for the stretch-drive. With the President's approval rating sagging near an all-time low, it figures to be a contentious season among the wonks as both parties battle for control of congress.

We'd like to use this week's feature to honor 60 Minutes commentator and resident curmudgeon, Andy Rooney. Most reporters choose to take on issues like the war in Iraq, the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, or soaring gas prices. Mr. Rooney on the other hand is not afraid to tackle the subjects really pressing our country, such as proper grammar usage, and milk.

Keep on keeping on, Andy.

Penguins Preview Part 2: Guest Post

As part of our on-going Penguins season preview, we're offering up space on North O Forbes for some of our friends and fellow fans. These posts are an open forum for them to sound off on any Pens-related matter in any manner they see fit.

Your author of this post is Matt Karasic.
Age: 23
Penguins fan since: 1988
Favorite All-Time Player: Kevin Stevens

...I feel ill.

As reports of sales talks continue, it once again dawns upon me that it’s quite possible that we are just weeks away from the beginning of the Penguins’ final season in Pittsburgh. Of all of the potential buyers mentioned, Sam Fingold and Jim Balsillie have been at the forefront (supposedly, fuck if I know); Fingold having already signed a (now stale-dated) letter of intent and Balsillie reportedly close to doing so. Both are fabulously wealthy, Fingold being a real-estate bigwig in Connecticut and Balsillie the CEO of the BlackBerry company, and both don’t give two shits about keeping the Penguins in Pittsburgh. Fingold has repeatedly expressed an interest in moving the team to Kansas City; and Balsillie, a Canadian, wants to smuggle the team back to his homeland.

First of all, fuck Missouri. If “Oklahoma!” taught us anything, it’s that in Kansas City… well... they’ve gone about as far as they can go. What are they going to do with a hockey team? (In all truthfulness, everything I know about that place I learned from young Will Parker. As far as I’m concerned, they still get their kicks from Burly-Q’s, gas buggies, and Bell telly-phones.)

If the Penguins move westward (possibly swapping conferences with the nearby Columbus Blue Jackets…?), it would rob the NHL of Crosby vs. Ovechkin, the best one-on-one rivalry in hockey right now. Gretzky played in the western conference his entire career (the three year debacle with the Rangers not withstanding), and so fans were treated to Lemieux vs. Gretzky only once or twice a year, possibly three times (taking into account the All-Star Game). Ovechkin and Crosby (two of the three offensive MVP’s in this year’s world championships) meet four times every year, and they wouldn’t have to make it all the way to the Stanley Cup Finals to meet in the playoffs. Previous to 01-02, the Pens met the Caps in 7 of 11 playoff seasons. What are the odds THAT wouldn’t sell out? The marketing possibilities are endless.The classic training sequence from Rocky IV pits footage of Sylvester Stallone (Rocky) training on a mountaintop in some arctic wilderness against footage of super soldier Dolph Lundgren (Drago) training in some secret Red Army facility. Can’t you just imagine that reinvented for Crosby/Ovechkin? Wouldn’t that get you fired up? And wasn’t the training montage from Rocky III REALLY gay?

As for moving the Penguins to Canada…Hamilton is 45 minutes from Toronto. I mapquested it. It’s comparable in size to Pittsburgh, but Pittsburgh isn’t located within spitting distance of an Original Six team. Look at what happened to the Nordiques, located in Quebec City, three hours northeast of Montreal. Or the Hartford Whalers, two hours from New York City. Defunct. As far as I can tell, it’s risky trying to establish franchises near Original Six teams, whose fan bases are widespread and fiercely loyal.

Fuck Canada.

The worst part about the whole sales process is that another bidder, Andrew Murstein, has pledged to keep the team in Pittsburgh regardless of whatever ends up happening with a new arena. Mark Madden says he’s a kook, and I think Balsillie and Fingold are both offering $5-$10 million more than he is, but Jesus. Where’s the love? Pittsburghers turn out in record numbers to see a 2005-2006 team that were bottom-feeders from day one, who’ve been in the top of the draft lottery the last four seasons after a talent fire sale, and the guy that wants to keep them here can’t get a little hometown discount?

I know that I’m preaching to the choir here, but what the fuck?

Welcome to the Party, Mr. Perez

Oli

This video of the Mets locker room celebration has been making the rounds on the internet the last couple of days.

No doubt, its popularity has something to do with an attractive blond in a low cut top getting soaked with champagne and beer. Well, I'm not sure what this says about me, but the first thing I noticed in the video wasn't SNY reporter Julie Donaldson.

If you look closely, the guy leading the charge with the champagne, right over Donaldson's right shouulder, is none other than former Pirates starter Oliver Perez.

Oli was once the next big thing in Pittsburgh. During the 2004 season when, flasing 97 mph heat, he won 12 games and struck out 239 batters. Many pundits compared him to a young Randy Johnson.

Well, a funny thing happened on the way to Cooperstown. Oli's velocity disappeared, and for the next season and a half he struggled to keep his ERA below 5.00.

We remember a particularly brutal outing earlier this season against the Padres. Perez was coming off a strong start and looking to build some momentum. Following a two hour rain-dealy, he sprinted to the mound in typically flashy fashion. Six runs and a booming Mike Piazza home-run later, Oli was done for the night by the third inning. He was optioned to the minors a few days later.

After a mediocre stint there, the Pirates finally bit the bullet and traded him to the Mets on July 31, acquiring Xavier Nady in the deal. Another in a long line of highly-touted WFTIPS pitchers (see Schmidt, Jason and Benson, Kris) that never reached their potential in Pittsburgh.

Following a rash of injuries to Mets starters, Perez was called up to make a few starts in the Big Apple. Not surprisingly, he has epitomized mediocrity, and done absolutely nothing to help the Mets win the division title.

There are probably a thousand people that deserve to be spraying champagne in that locker room as much as Oliver Perez. I'm soliciting you, my loyal readers (all five or six of you) to help me compile this list.

Here are my suggestions:

Henry Kissinger, Former Secretary of State

Brad Anderson, author of the Marmaduke cartoons

David Schwimmer

and James Fargo, director of the Clint Eastwood classic Every Which Way But Loose.

Your suggestions, please:

How to Save a Life

Well, we are 8 hours and 30 minutes away from the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy, and I for one am overjoyed. No, I don't plan on watching the show. I've never actually seen even one episode. I'm just pumped that by tonight at 10, every Disney owned station can stop airing that damn preview commercial.

If you have a pulse and have been anywhere near a television in the last month, you know what I'm talking about. Everyone in the cast mutters the word "panties" about 35 times, while some anonymous pair of black, lacy underpants are hung up on a bulletin board. Then, cut to the asian chick from Sideways stripping into her panties and proceeding to hump a doctor on the operating table right as his parents walk in. Whew, that's a lot of panties. It's all very high-brow as you can tell. Of course, the action takes place under the whiny strains of the pseduo-emo strains of The Fray's hit How to Save a Life. Let's see...save a life...hospital show...save a life...hospital show. I get! That's brilliant!

Nine o'clock (8 central) can't get here soon enough.

Rick Reilly Has Jumped the "F@!$ing" Shark

As of 3:34 pm today, Rick Reilly is officially dead to me. For years, his Life of Reilly column on the backpage of Sports Illustrated was the first thing I read when my magazine arrived every Wednesday. Reilly had a unique gift for finding the perfect way to present an inspiring or humorous outside-the-box take on the world of sports. I often came away remembering why it was I followed these games so passionately.

Really, his downfall probably began four or five years ago, when his once bitingly sarcastic sense of humore began to turn folksy and downright corny. He teetered even closer ot the edge with his repetitive columns about baseball's steroids scandal, where he repeatedly (and unimaginatively) blasted players for their influence on kids. Talk about a tired, trite angle.

This week's column is the last straw, though. In it, Reilly defends Boston University's decision to throw out fans who swear during hockey games. Wow. Can anyone think of a more curmudgeonly, stodgy and unhip position to take than that?

Maybe I'm memorializing, but it seems to me that in years past, Reilly would have torn the administration at Boston University a new one for making this decision. When Idrop upwards of $20 on a ticket, can easily spend another $12-$15 on a burger, fries and a beer, it's hard to remember why I ever left the comfort of my living room. The right to calll Derek Jeter, the goalie for Boston College, or some unnamed sports journalist in attendance, (who may or may not have lost his edge as a writer) a fucking douchebag is all I left. Well, that and the enjoyment of hearing fans far more creative than me spew mockery way more articulate than "fucking douchebag."

And you wanna take that away from me, Reilly? As you say so cleverly in your column "f&@!$ you!"

God Bless YouTube, Week 8

George Washington

In the lobby of the Pittsburgh International Airport, two statues greet travelers as they begin their entrance to the city. One depicts Franco Harris, hunched over, eyes alert, arms straining forward about to make the immaculate reception. The other depcits a young George Washington, musket in hand, poised to go off to battle.

After a recent trip, I came upon a mother and her son, mulling over the meaning of the statues. Like any self-respecting Pittsburgher, the boy, who looked about 7, could easily identify Franco Harris. However, when he came to the statue of George Washington, he paused. "Mom," he asked. "Who's that guy in the funny hat?"

Well little boy, this is who the guy in the hat is, and this is the kind of man he was.

Penguins Preview Part 1: I Pretend to be a Real Journalist

Sometimes, even at age 23, it’s fun to play make believe. Two mornings this week, I awoke bright and early and hauled myself down to Mellon Arena to watch Penguins Training Camp. Sure, the only reason I got in was because the event was open to the public. However, I didn’t let that stop me form bringing a pen, notebook and digital camera in order to obtain the inside “scoop.” So now I present to you my observations from training camp, with pictures to follow in the next couple days.

It looks like the team is trying to establish its lines right away. Through two forty minute scrimmages, the coaching staff made an effort to keep the following combinations together:

LINE 1: Sidney Crosby (Center), Nils Ekman, Colby Armstrong (Wings)

LINE 2: Evgeni Malkin (Center), Ryan Malone, Mark Recchi (Wings)

LINE 3: Erik Christensen (Center), John LeClair, Jarko Ruutu (Wings)

LINE 4: Maxime Talbot (Center), Michel Ouellet, Andre Roy (Wings)

DEFENSEMEN:

Ryan Whitney, Brooks Orpik

Sergei Gonchar, Mark Eaton

Josef Melichar, Rob Scuderi

-- It’s interesting to compare this line-up to the one the Pens had in training camp last year. Without a doubt, the overall offensive firepower was more impressive in 05-06. Lest we forget, that squad had Mario Lemieux, Zigmund Palffy, Ric Jackman and Dick Tarnstrom, two 80-90 point forwards and a pair of 50 point defenseman. Even before injuries derailed the careers of Lemieux and Palffy, and the new rules exposed the defensive shortcomings of Jackman and Tarnstrom, the unit struggled to find any cohesiveness. That version of the Pens lacked a true second-line center, which meant that either Lemieux had to shift over from the wing (a position with far less defensive responsibilities at this point in his career) or Lasse Prjeta ended up centering a line expected to generate goals. Either way, it was ugly.

So while this team may lack the pedigree of last year’s group, I like the overall sum much better. The Crosby/Malkin center at combo gives the Penguins perhaps the best 1-2 punch at the position this side of San Jose. I also love the Nils Ekman pick-up. Having played with Cheechoo and Thornton on the Sharks, he strikes me as the perfect complement to someone of Crosby’s skill level. Ekman has enough offensive prowess to hang with skill forwards, but also a commitment to the defensive zone. If the top line could find a sniper to put on the other wing…we might really have something. Which leads me to point number two…

--It appears doubtful Jordan Staal is going to make the team. As everyone knows, the top two center spots (Staal’s natural position) are filled, and he would be badly miscast on a checking line. There has been strong talk about converting him to wing, especially since it’s a position where the organization in depth. If Staal were going to make the team, it would serve to logic he would spend considerable time there during training. However, Staal took all of his shifts at center, on a line with Connor James and Ryan Stone. Both James and Stone are ticketed for the minors this year, and considering Staal is barely 18, all indications are that he’s going to spend another year in juniors.

-- Evgeni Malkin is sick, in a very, very good way.

-- Dennis Bonvie was in camp! For those of you who are unfamiliar, Dennis Bonvie is a man with no discernable hockey skills. His only positive traits appear to be: 1) he’s not afraid to start a fight with anyone, and 2) he’s very good friends with Mario Lemieux. Bonvie provided one of the highlights of training camp last year, when he started brawls against his own teammates on consecutive days. Bonvie falls into a long and proud line of “Lemieux guys” whom the Penguins employed only because of their good relationships with the big guy. I hope when Lemieux eventually sells the team that new ownership keeps this tradition alive—kind of like the captains picks for the Ryder Cup. Every season, Lemieux gets to pick one guy to be on the team regardless of said players position, age or talent level. The only question is not whether or not this would be awesome, but rather whether Lemieux’s first captain’s pick would be Marc Bergevin or J.J. Daigneault.

-- Josef Melichar has no idea when he's supposed to check someone. When it's the regular season, and your opponent has the puck against the boards, that's a good time to lay a thunderous check. When it's an intrasquad pre-season scrimmage, and your star prospect, who finally made it over from Russia has the puck against the boards, that's a bad time to lay him out with a thunderous hit to the head. What's even more troubling is that Melichar did this to Malkin twice. Can anyone tell me the last time Melichar creamed an opposing team's best player? Anyone?

-- You have to love Kevin Stevens. He was the coach for the “Black Team” during the scrimmage, and he spent the entire time shifting, twitching and rubbing the back of his head. He looked like he’d just detached himself from an espresso IV drip. Although I suppose if I were a recovering crack head who once had my face broken into a hundred pieces on the ice, it would be something of an accomplishment if I looked that good.

-- Marc-Andre Fleury still blows at penalty shots. In the first scrimmage, he stopped only one of four breakaways; a troubling number considering the teams struggles in shoot-outs last season. On the flip-side, Jocelyn Thibault looked good, stoning twice among others. Does anyone know the rules on a shoot-out? Can we keep Thibault around as a shoot-out specialist? The team could put him in during the last five seconds of a tied game, and have him be the guy in net during “the most exciting play in hockey.” Thibault would be like our version of Mike Stanton, a guy the Yankees kept around only to get lefties in late innings. The only hitch is that I’m not sure I want to count on Thibault to keep the opposition from scoring during the last five seconds of a tied game.Crosby

-- They should change the quote from “See Paris and die,” to “see Michel Therien run a practice and die.” I can’t possibly do justice to this in print, but trust me when on this next part. Any chain-smoking French Canadian who once summed up his team’s performance by simply saying “we are za suck,” is a site to behold when drawing up plays on a white-board.

-- .Bring on the Flyers