Penguins Preview Part 4: Memory Lane

For those of you not familiar with the Penguins recent history, or for those of you that follow the team and have smartly blocked out the last five years, here's what you're missing:

May 22, 2001: The New Jersey Devils defeat the Penguins 4-2, winning the Eastern Conference Championship four games to one. The Pens are essentially dominated in the series by a deeper more disciplined New Jersey squad. For weeks after the loss, Mario Lemieux obsesses to the press about the Penguins adopting a “system” a la the Devils. I picture him like Leonardo DiCaprio at the end of The Aviator, kicking around his house after the playoff loss, unshaven, permanently in a bathrobe, muttering to himself the whole time “system…way of the future…system…way of the future.” This phase passes quickly.

July 11, 2001: The Penguins trade Jaromir Jagr and Frantisek Kucera to the Capitals for Kris Beech, Ross Lupaschuk and Michal Sivek. With Jagr’s huge contract and goofy behavior (he told the Post-Gazette he felt like he was “dying alive on the ice”), everyone suspected this deal was coming. The bigger shock was that Jagr ended up on the Capitals not the Rangers as was commonly rumored. In exchange, the Pens received Washington’s top three prospects, all of whom failed to develop. Beech scored bigger off the ice by nailing smoking hot KDKA news anchor Sonni Abatta, every yinzer’s wet dream. Lupaschuk fulfilled the qualification that every package dealt for a superstar has to include one player with an unpronounceable/impossible to spell last name.

October 15, 2001: After losing the first four games of the season, the team fires head coach Ivan Hlinka. Hlinka, the former Czech national team coach, never managed to fully grasp the NHL game or the English language during his season and a half in the league. Fans of the team can no longer look forward to his post-game press-conferences where he answered every question with heavily-accented “UHHHHHHHHHHHH…I dunt knah.” Hlinka is replaced by assistant coach Rick “Chico” Kehoe.

October 28, 2001: Center Martin Straka is carried off the ice after catching his skate in a rut on the ice. The leg is broken, and requires the insertion of a titanium rod in order to be repaired. Straka’s injury is the first major blow to a team that will see its five leading scorers from the previous season miss at least 15 games.

January 2002: After a lengthy absence due to lingering hip injury, Mario Lemieux returns to the action against the Blues. My friends and I scalp tickets in the Kmart Kids Section (think age 12 and under) to witness what is sure to be Mario magic. The karmic payback is a bitch, as Lemieux goes scoreless and St. Louis whips the Penguins 4-1. Shortly after this game, Mario takes time off to rest his hip and prepare for the Salt Lake Olympics. After leading Canada to the gold medal, lingering pain forces him to shut down for the season.

February 2002: Straka’s return from his broken leg is cut short when a high-stick breaks his orbital bone in the first period. He is out for the remainder of the season.

March 2002: With any hope of the playoffs all but gone, the Penguins begin re-building by trading defenseman Darius Kasparaitis to the Avalanche for winger Ville Nieminen. Nieminen is naturally mediocre in his short stint with the Pens, and then injures himself in the off-season by walking through a glass door on his way to a sauna. The accident requires several stitches and while Nieminen does not miss significant time, the “rugged” player never checks a Penguins opponent as hard as he did that door.

April 2002: Boston beats Pittsburgh 7-1, giving the Penguins a final record of 28-41-8-5 and 69 points. It is the first time the team has missed the playoffs since the 1989-90 season.

June 2002: After losing six of seven playoff series to the Penguins in the previous decade, the Capitals continue their motto of “if you can’t beat ‘em, sign all of their best players to over-priced contracts.” Washington signs Penguins center Robert Lang to a multi-year contract in hopes of helping him kick-start Jagr, who finished ‘01-02 with a disappointing 79 points. Despite both of these additions, the Capitals still can’t make it out of the first round of the playoffs.

July 2002: Most likely favoring either his broken tibia or fractured orbital bone, Martin Straka cracks vertebrae in a weight-lifting accident. The skilled-center misses training camp and the start of the regular season. The Elias Sport Bureau confirms that Straka’s three injuries in two games played is, in fact, a new NHL record.

October/November 2002: As with the start of every season, Penguins fans are optimistic with news that Mario Lemieux is in the best shape of his life and the NHL is finally cracking down on obstruction. For the first 20 or so games, both of these actually appear true, as the Penguins storm out to an 11-5-3-3 record. The Lemieux/Alexei Kovalev/Aleksey Morozov led power-play clicks at something like 99.7%, and Johan Hedberg steadies the goaltending situation, displaying his 2001 playoff form.

November/December 2002: No K-Mart seats this time, but again my buddies’ presence dooms the Penguins. Sitting in $60 seats, Matt, Zavo and I watch them drop a 3-2 Thanksgiving-weekend contest to the Bruins. The loss not only snaps a four-game winning streak but is also the first of eight straight losses. In reality, looser officiating and a lack of defensive depth doom the team, but that doesn’t stop Matt from sounding like Will Hunting after the streak hits six. “Its okay, Matt. Say it with me now…it’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.”

February 6, 2003: Out of frustration over his team’s lackluster play, and his perceived disintegration of officiating Mario Lemieux goes berserk on Florida’s Brad Ference. We’re talking De Niro at the end of Taxi Driver here. Lemieux gets a game misconduct, 30 minutes of penalties and unexpected statistical boon to any of his fantasy hockey owners.

February 10, 2003: Middling around the .500 mark, the Penguins trade All-Star winger Alexei Kovalev to the New York Rangers for Rico Fata, Mikael Samuelsson, Joel Bouchard, Richard Lintner, Ronald McDonald, Fu Manchu and a 24 pack of Gatorade. This was the moment fans had the “damn, we’re in for a long rebuilding process.” realization. Kovalev was a fan favorite, always an elite talent who finally blossomed in Pittsburgh. With the Jagr trade in July 2001 it was thought the team might have enough money to re-sign him when his contract expired later that summer. But with no progress on a new arena and the team clearly not a Stanley Cup contender, the Penguins decide to bite the bullet and trade him.

March 2003: At the trade deadline, General Manager Craig Patrick makes something like 800 deals, gutting what was already a carcass of the team that made the 2001 Eastern Conference finals. Among the departed are center Jan Hrdina and goaltender Johan Hedberg. Patrick makes the event even more surreal by proclaiming “say what you will about salary dumps, but I think these moves make us stronger for the stretch run.” Matt and I immediately change the rosters in NHL 2002 to mimic reality and are encouraged when the virtual Penguins run off eleven straight wins as newly-acquired Brian Holzinger begins to challenge for the Art Ross Trophy. When reality does not follow suit, we soon realize that Holzinger’s 85 rating is probably an egregious coding error.

April 2003: Washington defeats the Pittsburgh 5-3, giving the Penguins a final record of 27-44-6-5, good for 63 points. The Pens go 2-17-2 in their last 21 games, easily dropping them into the Atlantic Division cellar. Head coach Rick Kehoe is fired a few days later.

June 11, 2003: The Penguins hire color commentator Ed Olczyk as head-coach. Olczyk, a former player with no previous coaching experience beats out Pirates broadcaster Bob Walk and Steelers sideline reporter Craig Wolfley for the position.

June 21, 2003: In a bold move, the Penguins acquire the first-overall pick in the NHL and use it to select goaltender Marc-Andre Fleury. Seconds after being chosen, Fleury confirms that he is indeed part French, by smooching his girlfriend hard on the lips, then sharing an uncomfortably intimate moment with a male member of his entourage.

October 2003: Fleury starts the home-opener in net, making 45 saves and drawing a standing ovation as the Penguins drop a 3-0 decision to the Los Angeles Kings. Sadly, this represents one of top five moments of the season.

November/December 2003: Firmly in re-building mode, the Pens, led by a group of veteran cast-offs and unheralded rookies struggle through the first part of the season, heading into the New Year with a league-low 25 points. Throughout Pittsburgh, fans begin hoping the trend continues so the team can secure the first overall pick in the entry draft and with it highly-touted prospect Alexander Ovechkin.

January/February 2004: The Penguins seemingly pull away from the field in the quest for the Ovechkin Cup. Fleury is optioned to the minors so the Penguins can avoid paying him his full salary; the rest of the team respond by losing 18 in a row and 22 of 24. The losing streak sets a franchise record for futility.

March/April 2004: In a perfect end to the season, the Pens finish on a 9-3-1 tear, yet still finish 23-47-8-3, good for 57 points and the worst record in the NHL.

April 2004: Despite having the greatest odds of winning the draft lottery, the Penguins lose out on the top pick, and Alexander Ovechkin, to the Washington Capitals. Even though he’s now with the Rangers, I blame Jaromir Jagr. Pittsburgh fans take solace in getting the second-overall pick, and highly regarded prospect Evgeni Malkin, as well as the knowledge that their team will knock Ovechkin out of the playoffs in the first-round at least 14 times in the next 20 years.

August 2004: Ivan Hlinka dies tragically in a car accident near Karlov Vary, Czech Republic. The accident is almost a year to the day after former Penguins head-coach Herb Brooks is killed in auto accident near his home in Minnesota. Geico rejects Rick Kehoe's application for insurance.

Fall 2004: With the players union and owners unable to reach a new Collective Bargaining Agreement, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman cancels the season. Five people, all of whom live in the southern United States, are surprised.

July 21, 2005: After months of on and off negotiations, the NHL players and owners finally reach a labor agreement, meaning there will be hockey in 2005-06.

July 22, 2005: The Penguins win a league-wide lottery receiving the first overall pick in the upcoming entry draft. With the pick come the rights to Sidney Crosby, considered by many the best NHL prospect since Mario Lemieux. The next day’s Pittsburgh Tribune review features a picture of Sidney Crosby on the front page, with the words “WE GOT HIM!!!” splashed above, while the headline immediately to the right reads, in much smaller print “Hundreds in Middle East Die in Earthquake.”

August 2006: With a salary cap and a league-wide cost infrastructure in place the Penguins dive hear-first into the free-agent pool. In less than a month, the team acquires among others forwards Zigmund Palffy and John LeClair, defenseman Sergei Gonchar and goaltender Jocelyn Thibault. Emboldened by the moves, I declare the Penguins closer to a championship than the Steelers.

October 2006: Despite Sidney Crosby playing better than advertised, the Penguins go winless in their first nine games, essentially derailing their season before it can begin. The key culprit in the team’s demise appears to be a lack of team speed, an unexpected commodity under the new NHL rules (see Gionta, Brian). Well, the Pens struggles may also have been related to the fact that they had Steve Poapst, Rob Scuderi and Josef Melichar and Lyle Odelein among their top six defensemen. I’m just saying the two things might be related.

Nov 2006: In the second nationally televised game of his career, Sidney Crosby makes the most of his appearance on the grand stage. After having his tooth chipped with a high-stick by Flyers defenseman Derian Hatcher, Crosby returns to the ice and eventually scores the game-winning goal (1:36 on the montage) on a breakaway in overtime. Only three words can describe the reaction among Penguins fans following the performance: Totally. Fucking. Speechless.

December 2006: Still languishing at the bottom of the league, the Penguins fire head coach Ed Olczyk and replace him with Wilkes Barre-Scranton boss Michel Therrien. Therrien, a noted task-master immediately distinguishes himself from the laid-back Olczyk by calling out his players and referring to his team as “the suck” after a loss to Edmonton.

January 2006: Proving I’m terrible at making predictions, my prognostication that Penguins are closer to a championship than the Steelers is blown to smithereens in just ten short days. In that span, the Steelers win their two biggest games in twenty-six years, qualifying for Super Bowl XL, while the second and third leading scorers on the Penguins retire. The first to call it quits is winger Zigmund Palffy, who is hampered by a lingering shoulder injury—although some question how severe the injury would be if the team was in playoff contention. Then, less than a week later, center/owner and franchise savior Mario Lemieux ends his career because of a recurring irregular heartbeat, one of a myriad of health problems that have plagued him throughout the latter part of his career. Lemieux has not played consistently since November, but it is still a quiet end to a career that was filled with so many loud and boisterous moments.

March 2006: In what is becoming an annual right of spring, general manager Craig Patrick deals his only notable commodity, Mark Recchi, to Carolina for nothing in return, Nikolas Nordgren, Krystofer Kolanos and a 2^nd round draft pick. While rumors rarely come true, Penguins fans were subjected to weeks of talk about names like Jordan Leopold and R.J. Umberger. Both of those players would have cost the team more than just Recchi, but a big move would have at least indicated that Patrick still had a vested interest in bettering the team. This was probably the day fan perception turned on the once infallible GM.

April 2006: In the last home game of the season, Sidney Crosby registers two assists 25 seconds apart, becoming the youngest player in NHL history to score 100 points in a season. Despite an ultimately disappointing season, the now very young Penguins team is given multiple standing ovations throughout the 6-1 over the New York Islanders. Crosby in the team’s final game the next night, finishing with 39 goals, 63 assists and a club record 102 points by a rookie. The Penguins drop the game to the Maple Leafs, 5-3, finishing the season with a record of 22-36-14 and 58 points. It is the fourth consecutive season the team misses the playoffs.

May 2006: The Penguins hire Nashville executive Ray Shero as General Manager, replacing the recently fired Craig Patrick. Shero is the first Penguins GM since 1989 to not have a character based on him in a Disney movie.

Summer 2006:Evgeni Malkin is coming to Pittsburgh. The team is being sold. Evgeni Malkin is not coming to Pittsburgh. The team is being moved. The team is not being sold. Evgeni Malkin is coming to Pittsburgh. The team is being sold. The team is not being moved. Evgeni Malkin is not coming to Pittsburgh. The team is not being sold. Evgeni Malkin is not being sold. The team is moving to Metallurg Magnitogorsk. Fjsjdfjsdklfjfsdfjdsjfksdfjkdf…..

September 2006: After fleeing Russia under clandestine circumstances, Evgeni Malkin finally signs with the Penguins. However, 22 minutes into his first exhibition game, he separates his shoulder in a nasty collision with John LeClair. The incident spawns a million “John LeClair is actually a KGB Agent” jokes and, in response, about 50 irate talk-show calls from the guy who runs John LeClair’s official fan website. Only one really important question emerges: John LeClair has an official fan website?

I was going to write a June 2007 entry where Crosby wins the Hart, Art Ross and Conn Smythe Trophies, Malkin wins the Calder and the team wins the Stanley Cup. But as we’ve already discussed, my karma kills the team and powers of prognostication stink. So let’s pretend I never even had those thoughts. In fact, why am I even telling you this…